A Safe Space
I did an interview for Ishita Gupta and Matt Atkinson’s online magazine fear.less that’s going to run in January. I was proofing the text this morning and I thought, “There’s a section in here that’ll be perfect for an end-of-year Writing Wednesdays post.”
Mike Nichols and his wife, Diane Sawyer
The section was about Mike Nichols. His AFI Lifetime Achievement tribute had just aired a couple of days earlier. On the show a number of actors including Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep had thanked Mr. Nichols, quite emotionally, for among other things creating a safe space for them in front of the camera.
It struck me that that’s exactly what you and I have to do for ourselves as writers, artists and entrepreneurs.
It’s scary out there
Have you ever done any acting? I haven’t, but I can’t imagine anything more terrifying. Standup comedy maybe. Or cold-calling to sell life insurance.
Acting might not be too daunting if your line is
PRINCESS LEIA
Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope!
(I saw Carrie Fisher’s show, “Wishful Drinking,” last night on HBO. It’s great. My favorite line: “George Lucas ruined my life. I mean that in the kindest possible way.”)
But what if you have to deliver, “I coulda been a contender!” Or John Cazale’s incredibly exposed moment from Godfather II:
FREDO
I’m not dumb, Michael. I’m smart!
I’m hyperventilating just thinking about the guts it must take.
Someone to watch over me
I have no idea what Mike Nichols does or says to his actors. It’s probably just natural to him; it’s who he is. But somehow he makes them feel safe. He makes them feel like they can expose themselves utterly, go all-out for an emotion, be as naked as a human being can possibly be—and he’ll protect them. He won’t let them look foolish. He’ll make them look great.
And I imagine Mr. Nichols does more than that. He probably knows how to kick actors in the ass too. I’ll bet he knows exactly how to communicate, “We can do better than that”—without it making the actor go self-conscious or freeze.
Creating a safe space for ourselves
We have to do that too. You and I. We have to do that for ourselves.
We have to create a safe space, where we can work without fear. A space where we can fall on our faces and it’s still okay. We can be wrong, we can be crazy, we can go over the top—and we’ll still love ourselves and accept ourselves.
Most of us have inner voices that rip the hell out of ourselves. No Marine drill instructor at Parris Island is as hard on us as our inner critic, our interior censor.
My aunt Peggy
My aunt Peggy died a few years ago. Her daughter Pat, my cousin, gave a really moving eulogy. She said of her Mom (who had been a volunteer counselor for years at Planned Parenthood) something like this:
Nobody was less judgmental than Peggy. When young girls came into her office, pregnant and terrified and feeling like they had let their families down or done something “wrong,” my Mom would listen with total acceptance. She would not judge them at all. And that meant everything to these scared young women. They were safe with Peggy. They knew she wasn’t going to push some agenda onto them. She was just there to hear them—and to help if she could.
A New Year’s resolution
As artists and entrepreneurs, of course, we have to judge. Mike Nichols has to judge. He has to decide which takes to print and which to dump. He judges the performance, but he doesn’t judge the actor. The actor is already aces with Mike, or the actor wouldn’t be there in the first place.
I’ve got to be aces with me, and you’ve got to be aces with you.
Let’s make it our New Year’s resolution that in 2011, we will kick our negative, judgmental, pain-in-the-ass inner critic off the lot and bring in Mike Nichols instead. He (meaning we) will create and sustain a safe place for us, so we can go all-out in our work, be as fearless as we need to be—and still know that we won’t be judged. We’ll be accepted and encouraged and loved. And maybe even kicked in the butt a little. “But”—as Carrie Fisher might say—”in a good way.”
Happy Holidays, everybody!
DO THE WORK
Steve shows you the predictable Resistance points that every writer hits in a work-in-progress and then shows you how to deal with each one of these sticking points. This book shows you how to keep going with your work.
THE AUTHENTIC SWING
A short book about the writing of a first novel: for Steve, The Legend of Bagger Vance. Having failed with three earlier attempts at novels, here's how Steve finally succeeded.
NOBODY WANTS TO READ YOUR SH*T
Steve shares his "lessons learned" from the trenches of the five different writing careers—advertising, screenwriting, fiction, nonfiction, and self-help. This is tradecraft. An MFA in Writing in 197 pages.
TURNING PRO
Amateurs have amateur habits. Pros have pro habits. When we turn pro, we give up the comfortable life but we find our power. Steve answers the question, "How do we overcome Resistance?"
Amen to that.
I once saw Robert de Niro play a janitor, who gets to fuck a young woman he is in love with, played by Uma Thurman. I can’t remember the movies name, but oh, he is acting like there is no tomorrow. A vulnerable, naked, raw display of emotions. He didn’t even need to go all out. He could have gotten away with much less, being already so famous. He took a chance and risked to look ridiculous. But as it turned out, that is one of the most moving moments I’ve ever seen in a movie.
Maybe we should credit the director a bit too, not to mention Thurman.
Your thinking is amazing. I like your comment of the day the most.
Turns out I was wrong about his profession – the movie is ‘Mad dog and Glory’
Be it acting, writing, or cold-calling to sell life insurance (hated it!); deep down you know whether it’s a good piece or not. My goal is to take the ‘it’s not bad’ pieces and rework them to be better.
Wonderful, Steven!
Thank you so much for your art and for being part of my journey in 2010.
Thank you…
Once again, Steven, just what I need to hear. May we all create our safe space and deliver the timely kicks in the butt in 2011.
Wow, I LOVE this Steven- nice! In fact, I just saw Carrie Fisher’s special “Wishful Drinking” the other night, and that was one of the best lines in it. Side note it was filmed in my town, too bad, I wasn’t in town to see it live. This is a terrific message to leave negativity and judgment at the door of 2010 and start 2011 with a clean slate of wonderment, appreciation and gratitude.
P.S. Your book, “The War of Art” is one of my all time favorites!
I do not get to see fear and embarrassment accepted and acknowledged too much in the mass media – failure and immaturity gets edited out of the reported lives of stars. It leads us to believe that they have some biological advantage we can never have!
Your blog, work, books and Fear.Less does exactly the opposite. No author – let along a successful one – would dare to lay out his emotional battles with fear like the way did you your last post!
You are amazing Steve. And human, just like me. So, maybe I too could become Somebody, like you are!
Have a great holiday!
Thank you for your warmth,
-Shashi
thank you!
Oh man,yes. To shut up that damn critic on the shoulder.For just one measly hour. Shut him up and let me work.
Man,is that hard.
Recognizing a self-critical nature as resistance, I too have committed this year to speaking directly to the anti-muse and putting that little voice in it’s place. My motto in fact is older, bolder, better, brighter. Thanks Mr. P!
Here, here! Huurah!
Sometimes we can provide just such a safe place to each other. A place where we can dare to stretch without fear of falling off the edge.
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Safe
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