The feeling that it will never end
One of the primary characteristics of any “passage through the wilderness” is the excruciating belief/certainty, while we’re in it, that it will never end. We have been given a life sentence, we believe, without possibility of parole.
Are we addicted to alcohol or drugs? We can’t conceive of ever being able to stop. Are we in bondage to some toxic, soul-devouring relationship, profession, or conception of life? We believe we have no power to escape. PTSD? Anxiety? Compulsive self-sabotage? We’re powerless to break free, we believe.
We’re in denial when we’re in the wilderness. At least that’s how we respond when someone calls us on our bullshit. “I’m fine, man.” “I’m all right.” “Worry about yourself, brother!”
How dangerous is our Wilderness Passage? It’s life-and-death dangerous. In the movies, heroes “make it out alive.” In real life, you can go down and never come back up. How many casualties can each of us count among friends and family? Remember Hemingway’s famous quote from A Farewell to Arms:
The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.
I’m not a believer that just because Ernest Hemingway said something, it’s necessarily true. But he certainly was onto something in this case, at least in the sense of how this passage feels.
The feeling that this agony, this exile will never end, excruciating as it is, is critical in a good sense because it reinforces for us the fact that the stakes are life and death. Which they are. There’s no guarantee that you or I—or anybody—will survive their ordeal in the Wilderness.
And yet people do survive. If you thought it was only a “passage,” while you were in it, it wouldn’t scare the crap out of you like it’s supposed to. In order for our ordeal to do its work, we have to believe completely (and we do, because it’s true) that our soul is in mortal danger and we must rally every resource to survive.
DO THE WORK
Steve shows you the predictable Resistance points that every writer hits in a work-in-progress and then shows you how to deal with each one of these sticking points. This book shows you how to keep going with your work.
THE AUTHENTIC SWING
A short book about the writing of a first novel: for Steve, The Legend of Bagger Vance. Having failed with three earlier attempts at novels, here's how Steve finally succeeded.
NOBODY WANTS TO READ YOUR SH*T
Steve shares his "lessons learned" from the trenches of the five different writing careers—advertising, screenwriting, fiction, nonfiction, and self-help. This is tradecraft. An MFA in Writing in 197 pages.
TURNING PRO
Amateurs have amateur habits. Pros have pro habits. When we turn pro, we give up the comfortable life but we find our power. Steve answers the question, "How do we overcome Resistance?"
A “wilderness”escape may be found inside a primary forest of real wilderness. The human brain on Nature alters its chemistry, flooding our consciousness with a nontoxic, powerful cleanser. Nature will wash us clean. This phenomenon has been studied for 1000 years and is now a small but growing specialty of brain science. Its common name is forest bathing. Take a bath in Nature and discover there is no better soap for brain stains…
When lost in the wilderness it’s first frightful moment is recognizing you have done this to yourself – you have ignored your bearings and eye on your markers or points of ultimate direction. The guilt, shame, and feeling of uselessness – weakness and vulnerability can only be transformed to courage when one relates his state of anxiousness with the whole of humanity … we are all vulnerable in nature. Then this sameness, this oneness can bring us hope, relief from isolation and fear, but rather freedom and love. In this state we can skip to the besuty we see ahead; laugh at the chirping birds busy at sex or play and feed on what our body senses would be good for us, a healthier choice to drive our survival forward. Our goal is to reconnect with others to share this new found faith in our interconnected ness- our eholeness, oneness and trust in God thst made us all Be.
Thank you for sharing that
To Rebecca,
THANK YOU ! SPOT ON!
Rebecca,
I really, really liked this. Well said. I am working on a piece that is saying the same thing with different words. My method is collective suffering, smelting the dross with others to see the gold, authentic self, Divine Spark–but I really like “relates his state of anxiousness with the whole of humanity…we are all vulnerable in nature.’
My experience is the suffering — usually physical experiences–is where I see the vulnerability (below the surface understanding) and my heart opens automatically.
Again, really loved your post.
bsn
The summer after my sophomore year of high school my step-dad signed me up to work in the kitchen crew for a summer camp in the Sierra Nevadas. It was 1985, and I was certain the next three weeks would be hell on earth.
The work was arduous-12 hours a day at least prepping, cooking, and cleaning for 150 people. , Very rustic–only two hot water showers in the entire camp, two flush toilets (directors cabin and nurses cabin) in the entire camp. We bathed in the freezing cold streams, or not at all.
There is a profound difference between the grime we accumulate in the city versus the outdoors. I never felt dirty, even though when I finally showered at home back in Modesto eight weeks later (this torture turned out to the best experience of my young life, spent the next 4 summers at camp) I nearly clogged the drain with actual dirt.
Even my step dad, who I was in mortal combat with for about 10 years, noticed that I was different after a summer away at camp. The noise of the world fell away. I was present. I was kind. I was open. I remembered.
It took about 3 months for the world to seep back in with all of its corruption and filth. I’m picking up what you’re putting down.
bsn
“The noise of the world fell away. I was present. I was kind. I was open. I remembered.”
Awesome. Love this. I feel this. thanks
Thanks Anon.
bsn
Off subject, but your Stadium looks a lot like the one in 10 Things I Hate About You. My daughter was watching it on Disney+ the other night and as the actor was singing in the bleachers I said, “that looks like your website!!”. I wonder if it is? Curiosity.
Kate!!!
It is! The iconic Stadium High School! I could not believe it was a public school when I first saw it.
The location is—well, one of those rare places where Nature/God’s Beauty is perfectly juxtaposed with what man can do at his best. The place is simply inspiring.
Then, add 100s of people laying it all out there, leaving nothing…I get chills every year. We witness people transform themselves in front of everyone. So courageous. So beautiful.
bsn
Thanks for this Brian,
This a chilling but much-needed reminder about why we need to VOLUNTEERINGLY introduce some hardship in our lives especially if we’ve given too much of ourselves to “the corruption and filth of the world.”
Doing so gives us perspective and reminds us exactly who we are: entities that can take on the chaos and hardship of the world and turn it into something meaningful and useful.
Hemingway rings true. Surviving the wilderness journey, even with all of the revelatory insight it might induce, leaves a broken person in its wake. It can’t be any other way This is why this sort of wisdom isn’t achievable without the all is lost moment. No one would invite this new understanding. The brave who accept the full frontal force of the onslaught of reality realize that what has happened is not some sort of personal injustice. It’s the true nature of this life. It is not governed by effort, negotiation or narrative. Would I rather be the person who escaped this reckoning with reality until on my own deathbed? Or would I rather be the person struck sooner, living with the pain and also with eyes open? If confident in the answer- the all is lost moment likely hasn’t come for you yet.
I run into the all-is-lost moment in virtually every project I work on. No matter how many songs I’ve finished or albums I’ve produced, every new project contains that period of loss of faith and self-doubt. Have I lost it? Will I ever be able to do it again? The only thing that seems to help is the recognition that this is an inevitable part of the process. It takes faith and trust that if I continue down the path and trust the process, eventually, by hook or crook, I might make it out! Every time it arrives, however, it feels like this time is different. This really is the end and edge of my abilities. This will be the one that breaks me. That’s when it’s time to use brute force and show up and do the work! It never gets easy!
Great post, so much said in so few words. Hemingway was definitely onto something. But as I sip my coffee and reflect on my struggle to emerge from the wilderness, I am interested in where the breaking takes us. Do we become brittle or expand our capacity to bend? Are we able to open ourselves to give and receive in the continuous loop of life?
We must bend, elongate, flow, and not abandon ourselves.
I like your questions, your curiosity. I feel like curiosity and humor might hold some of the qualities that would allow bending and not breaking. Thank you for sharing.
An interesting comment during Holy Week Steven. Coincidence?
I found when I wholeheartedly tried to *rally every resource* to escape the wilderness, I stayed longer. But when I CHOSE to become RESOURCEFUL, the way out became visible. And I may add I have been in a hundred different forests, jungles and deserts of wilderness disguised as “all is lost moments” and it is ALWAYS resourcefullness that pulls me through. Change is reliable.
Certainly fits. Resurrection is real
Did you work at Borders in Rapid City? What happened to your poetry blog if so?
A fear of seeming self-absorbed has kept me from saying this, but hey!! I want to grow, and iron sharpens iron. Here we go…
I can talk myself out of anything and everything due to (Insert which is afflicting me the most in the moment). Is it PTSD? The cyclical nature of anxiety that feeds into depression and self-pity? That familiar feeling deeply ingrained in my brain that I am not enough, never will be, so why even try?! It’s exhausting some days. I’ve learned a lot of us have that critical inner voice when creating. We must Do it Anyway (just wrote a song called this). Fear is a powerful thing. What is more powerful than fear, though?
Not giving in on the bad days. They will never stop coming, but perspective can change with time. Changing my expectations to better suit my reality while still remaining a “dreamer”! My inner voice (I believe in God) tells me “keep writing”, “keep connecting”, and “keep singing”…
Right now, in this moment, that is good enough for me!! Thank you Steve & community for the inspiration today.
Kate,
I think connection is greater than fear. Love your stuff.
I’ve been reading this guy–he’s a cold exposure smart guy, but as I’ve read his stuff he’s got a great article about ‘inherited trauma’. Read an interesting book couple of years ago before I did a 3-day ancient ceremony.
Fellowship of the River: A Medical Doctor’s Exploration into Traditional Amazonian Plant Medicine by Joseph Taffy, MD.
In this book he talks about mice/rats being exposed to something traumatic tied with an odor–and mice 2-4 generations later reacting to the same odor without experiencing the trauma. (Biblical right?)
So–here is an article by Thomas P Seager, PhD https://seagertp.substack.com/p/resolving-inherited-trauma
I’ve been reading a ton of his articles about cold plunging–honestly haven’t finished this article (30 min read), but it is interesting from the start. He mentions the same rat study in the Fellowship of the River.
This one is super fascinating about how shivering may reduce ‘body-held’ trauma: https://seagertp.substack.com/p/the-trauma-benefits-of-trembling
I think Steve’s method of ‘doing the work’ is also the best therapy like you said, “keep writing, keep connecting, keep singing”…but knowledge is also helpful.
Thanks Brian! As always, inspiring stuff from you. I deeply appreciate your comment about my music. It means a lot to me!
I’ve saved both articles you sent in my Bookmarks tab on my MacBook. I’m already intrigued with cold therapy from The Huberman Lab’s podcast. This quote from the inherited trauma article caught my eye, ” traumatic experiences shortly prior to conception could be epigenetically encoded”–I know my mom’s side of the family endured a lot of dysfunction throughout the generations.
Your stepdad sounds like my stepmom when I was a teen. My mom was verbally and emotionally abusive. My dad allowed it all to happen. I was deeply introverted and sensitive, so I internalized it all as my fault as self-centered children tend to do when neglected. Some days, I feel so rooted and strong. I know my story will help a young girl. It will help me raise my daughter. Other days, something triggers me, and I feel like that “small” child again. Terrified. Stupid. All alone. It’s amazing how our minds compartmentalize trauma to survive, but like you mention, our body doesn’t forget. Breathing, meditation, yoga, walks, music, and quality sleep saved me. My biggest enemies are overthinking, toxic relationships, and fatigue. I once had a therapist assure me, “you’re not in your rocker yet, just calm down and allow yourself to grieve”…up until that point I didn’t realize that is what grief looked like for me. Now I am hellbent on encouraging others to live authentically. We get one life. Don’t live in fear of what others think. Don’t live in fear of failure. These things I meditate on this week….FEAR. F*ck you!! LOL.
Have a lovely week, all!
Thank you very much dear Steve
I missed your ideas for a couple of weeks, the tools of Resistance broke me down in a sense as you already know, but this week I will “make up” by commenting on all three posts.
Another Assistance that someone gets when Resistance gives us the final hit is this: while away from our chair and book (or whatever the Goal is), we may realize in moments what are the True Paths that call to be sought after inside us. We see the field of battle from a long distance, we may understand what we want by doing what we don’t want. In a way, far from home you see the real shape of the home.
They are again like feelings, like the Muse whispering from afar. They are like the children’s intuition: a borderless reality.
I will continue this comment. If I can’t make it on one piece, let me see if I’ll make it in many pieces then.
On this post:
The wilderness indeed feels like it will never end. But that is wrong – I have learned that nothing ever lasts, and every next year we will be doing and thinking things completely different from what grab our attention now. So maybe we should be more careful against the flow of Resistance, and not it’s every specific face/shape.
The denial of Wilderness is so real too. In my case it’s not exactly a simple denial, but since I know Resistance, it’s an incapability to gain absolute self mastery. My own trial is the moment to moment wise movement: I can feel and know the wisdom, but not use it and cultivate it in minute to minute, moment to moment, hour to hour dimensions. I don’t deny it, but I allow it. Who is more silly, the one who denies Resistance or the one who accepts it but allows it to influence him?
Mr. Jim Rohn said, “you know how risky life is? You’ll not get out of it alive! That’s how risky it is.” Every hero died, and their memories may also perish in the passing of the millenniums. I think that is inevitable. But still they walked the road of glory. Posthumous fame and supporting life are two sextremelybeautiful anchors in the unending sea of the cosmos.
Ah, how to rally every resource to survive as a self, when the ego is so content and happy by… searching for a family home, working and getting better at the work, taking care of the families’ inheritance, dealing with difficult people, meeting new people and places etc.?
But I know there is the way. The way of the philosopher. That’s what I believe it is.
Let the ordeals only bring flames to our boring mundane living surface. They are nothing, they are not. “Nots” that distract us from seeing the truth. I was just reminded of the beautiful art of the Matrix. Must see that one, I will appreciate it once more. I don’t know if it will be Neo or me there at the screen.
Hey Tolis, I am happy to have you back. I’ve resonated so many times with your comments and felt a bit of a withdrawal when I couldn’t drink from the well of wisdom that is your encouraging words.
Thank you so much Sizwe, thank you.
Mr Pressfield, I hear you. Thank you.
This idea has been rattling around my skull the past few weeks. I keep coming back to whether being in the wilderness one HAS to hit rock bottom and have the all-is-lost moment and find redemption. A couple weeks ago the example was waking up in the gutter will make a person stop and realize that they really do have a drinking problem. But couldn’t a wiser person come to that realization before hitting that point: “whoa, I’m on a one-way path here, I better shape up”? Or does being able to do that indicate that the crisis was not profound enough?
I’m not doubting that sometimes Fate will hit you with the Clue Bat, but if someone had the good sense to turn around before they hit rock bottom, isn’t that better? Or do they miss the deeper meaning that is available only to those who have lost all? Life will hit everyone with crises, certainly, but can’t some of the self-induced ones be corrected earlier?
Either way, here’s another vote for the wonder of nature as a break from our artificial “reality”!
Non,
Your post made me think of my younger brother and me growing up with an emotionally retarded and physically violent step-father.
I’m the oldest and ran face first straight into his madness daily. I took the brunt of it as well.
My brother–who is a legit genius BTW (790 math SATs…, Summa Cum Laude elec Eng…smart mo fo for sure–that might have a lot to do with what I say next)–anyway he responded to our step-dad’s insanity in a completely different manner. He was sneaky. He didn’t need to see the same punishments, he operated differently.
He learned from me repeatedly hitting the bottom. We talk of this often to this day.
Then part of me KNOWS there is no other way for me. I do not learn from others. I learn from my own pain.
bsn
Interesting! Thanks, Brian, Something to think about.
And I’m still thinking about Sam’s story of all the parents divorcing. Was EVERYONE really that miserable? Sam, what was the timeframe for that mass escape? Was it also a cultural trend in the 70s and after: forget tradition, do your own thing, you can have it all?
It’s the difference between immersing yourself in life or holding yourself at a distance. Until reading this post I thought you could recognize wilderness passages as they appear, and stay classier as you navigate them.
If only!
But really, it’s better this way. Treat something as life or death and you’ll fight harder. I found this only recently with some sudden, and somewhat debilitating, back pain. “Will this be my life from here on out?” I wondered. “Is it all pain management now?” Because I was scared, I started a stretching routine that’s become a part-time job, changed how I sat at my screen, changed how I worked out — and noticed (before addressing) what was stressing me out the most.
I haven’t taken any pain medication for four weeks and four days now — not one pill! — and I can’t imagine feeling prouder of myself had I defended a PhD dissertation.
It’s so good you figured out the inner pain, Maureen. I’ve struggled with that a long time and had to relearn the lesson more than once. I thought of this a couple of days ago, wondering why I’m using a cane again and back on meds. I wasn’t doing that last year …. oh, yeah, last year …. OK, now I know, it’s not me it’s the situation and, yes I need more physical support because of the added work I’m doing, so I’m trying to be more gentle with myself while figuring out how to deal with the inner work that still needs to be done. Every day feels like the wilderness, but then every day is an opportunity.
When I graduated from high school all of my friends parents divorced. And when I say all I mean ALL. I told my sister this, and she said “after you left Mom and Dad said they were probably getting a divorce.”
They had waited for the kids. Baby boomers who had married at 21, 22, or right after the Vietnam War. When my friends and I flew the nest, that was it. Then all these 30 and 40 somethings went in wildly different directions: some left the country, some came out of the closet, some quit their white collar jobs and opened a cafe or made art.
It was one massive herd of folks escaping from the wilderness, and it’s always stuck with me.
Sam-
Wow. Your post hit me like a ton of bricks. Especially this line “It was one massive herd of folks escaping from the wilderness, and it’s always stuck with me.”
I’m curious how this stuck with you? Does it motivate you in a positive way? Or is it a tough memory?
Thanks for sharing this post. I recently took my life in a “wildly different direction” and it has been super-tough since my immediate family was not as supportive as I hoped. They did not want to acknowledge the new me. But almost two years later, we are healing somewhat. So Pressfield’s post and Hemmingway’s words make sense when I think of my recent journey and feeling lost and broken in the wilderness. I do actually feel stronger today than before this necessary journey chewed me up and spit me out. I am stronger in the broken places. I am grateful to be broken and yet stronger and certainly more understanding of what it means to be human and brave. Thanks for sharing your post. Again, I’m curious how your experience in your post stuck with you? Does it motivate you in a positive way? Or is it a tough memory?
Definitely motivated in a good way. These were all cautionary tales. It stuck with me in the sense that I was learning you can only fool yourself for so long before your spirit takes the wheel and course corrects whether you want it to or not. Which I think is a major theme of Coach Pressfield’s writing and this blog.
Ann it sounds like you did something you had to do to put yourself first, and that’s difficult and brave.
Sam,
Like Ann, it took my breath away.
ALL OF THEM. Wow. Total mixed emotions/reactions from your post.
1. At least they stayed together for the kids. Sacrificing their own happiness for the stability of their children. Good for them.
2. It also destabilized (I’m projecting here) those kids who left home. What was their memory of home anyway? Was it real? Is anything real? (had a similar free fall experience around 28, and it left me adrift for some time)
3. How many of those married people were less happy 3-5 years down the road? How many were truly happier?
Most of my life I’ve considered myself to be libertarian in philosophical thought. Liberty above all other values. Lately I’m beginning to see much more room for rules/laws/norms over pure liberty. Most of us cannot handle 100% liberty because we cannot/have not yet learned to manage ourselves, to build our own constraints/boundaries that lead to productive, meaningful lives. Liberty becomes anarchy for most of us.
I wonder if we’re better or worse off with no-fault divorce. I don’t think Tinder has lead to happiness for anyone.
bsn
I am in the wilderness now but I think of it differently. I have been here before. So now I have PTSA. Post Traumatic Stress Advantage. The first time I didn’t see it coming but having been there before this time I have the tools to find my way out. I wish everyone could feel so empowered instead of victimized. It would save so many lives.
Lovely thoughts, Dessie! I have been reading more and more research about the phenomenon of Post Traumatic Growth. I certainly was able to use my skillset from my struggles with childhood PTSD during the pandemic. Thanks for showing me a different perspective.
Steve, this “passage through the wilderness” speaks to exactly the issues we were discussing the other day about the challenges of veterans coming home and transitioning from service. In this case, the wilderness is a society of individuals where honor seems to be in short supply. Powerful stuff brother. Thanks for these words.
If life didn’t knock us down and kick dirt in our faces occasionally, would we really be living a life that was worthwhile? And if we didn’t get back up and kick back, we might be just putting in our time till death? Live a great week.
Good point, Jackie!
Jackie,
I just finished “The End of the World Running Club” by Adrian J. Walker. Different twist on a dystopian theme–I really enjoyed it.
One of the characters, an older Australian who moved to Scotland (book is based in Scotland) to get married, awakens every morning and screams at the sun. His way of kicking back. It was what I immediately thought of from your post. Have a great week. Kick back hard.
bsn
I’m always on the lookout for a female hero’s journey/wilderness story. I just finished Ann Patchett’s State of Wonder. it’s a good one. Just thought I’d pass it along
How about Cheryl Strayed’s Wild?
I love “Wild”, Maureen. Great suggestion! Lin, one of my favorite memoirs about a strong woman overcoming adversity and her own personal wilderness story is “Educated” by Tara Westover.
Agreed, Wild is a great book. I have Educated but have yet to crack it. Will put it next. And will check out The End of the World Running Club too. Always on the lookout to learn from others. Gosh I sure don’t want to make all life’s mistakes myself. In agreement with the above comments. Head the Wilderness off before you find yourself hopelessly lost. Thanks to all today.
Great book, Wild. Will check out the others.
I haven’t read either of those and should have made clear that State of Wonder is a novel. But great hero’s journey/wilderness tale nonetheless.
Thank you for providing such a good and wonderful essay, please keep it up and thank you once more.
What the hell?
This one hit a raw nerve.
Thanks, I needed that. I actually REALLY did.
The feeling that this agony, this exile will never end, excruciating as it is, is critical in a good sense because it reinforces for us the fact that the stakes are life and death. Which they are. There’s no guarantee that you or I—or anybody—will survive their ordeal in the Wilderness.
Brother Steve and Sister D…
I am drowning, literally, figuratively, metaphorically and spiritually…today, at this very moment. It seems, “AS IF” the more I BELIEVE – – – the greater the winds, the deeper the oceans, the darker the night and the bigger and more fierce the monsters that lurk below me become.
As it should be.
Thank you both for the light. For helping me believe.
Where is He?
He has risen!
Strength, Honor and Love
Jim
1COR13:13
it reinforces for us the fact that the stakes are life and death. Which they are. There’s no guarantee that you or I—or anybody—will survive their ordeal in the Wilderness.
Those trips to dark places were the best pivot points in my own life. Nothing, I mean nothing ever great happened during an easy time.
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“Sometimes I feel,
like a man in the wilderness
Sent away to die,
Never quite knowing why”
Styx
This song, this album, always spoke to me as an adolescent
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Gracias por proporcionar un ensayo tan hermoso y maravilloso. Continúe Puerto Madryn escorts y gracias de nuevo.
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