How the Big Boys Say No
Thank you, Tim Ferriss, from whose blog the excerpts below come from, and even bigger thanks to Kevin Ashton for writing it in the first place.
Here’s the piece:
A Hungarian psychology professor once wrote to famous creators asking them to be interviewed for a book he was writing. One of the most interesting things about his project was how many people said “no.”
Management writer Peter Drucker:
“One of the secrets of productivity (in which I believe whereas I do not believe in creativity) is to have a VERY BIG waste paper basket to take care of ALL invitations such as yours. Productivity in my experience consists of NOT doing anything that helps the work of other people but to spend all one’s time on the work the Good Lord has fitted one to do, and to do well.”
Secretary to novelist Saul Bellow:
“Mr. Bellow informed me that he remains creative in the second half of life, at least in part, because he does not allow himself to be a part of other people’s ‘studies.’”
Photographer Richard Avedon:
“Sorry–too little time left.”
Secretary to composer György Ligeti:
“He is creative and, because of this, totally overworked. Therefore, the very reason you wish to study his creative process is also the reason why he (unfortunately) does not have time to help you in this study. He would also like to add that he cannot answer your letter personally because he is trying desperately to finish a Violin Concerto which will be premiered in the Fall…”
DO THE WORK
Steve shows you the predictable Resistance points that every writer hits in a work-in-progress and then shows you how to deal with each one of these sticking points. This book shows you how to keep going with your work.
THE AUTHENTIC SWING
A short book about the writing of a first novel: for Steve, The Legend of Bagger Vance. Having failed with three earlier attempts at novels, here's how Steve finally succeeded.
NOBODY WANTS TO READ YOUR SH*T
Steve shares his "lessons learned" from the trenches of the five different writing careers—advertising, screenwriting, fiction, nonfiction, and self-help. This is tradecraft. An MFA in Writing in 197 pages.
TURNING PRO
Amateurs have amateur habits. Pros have pro habits. When we turn pro, we give up the comfortable life but we find our power. Steve answers the question, "How do we overcome Resistance?"
Ich würde hier ja glatt kommentieren, aber ich habe leider keine Zeit dafür…
😂
Und doch ist es schön, Ihren Post hier zu sehen, Herr Maassen
I’m unsubscribing left and right, but not to your Wednesday emails. Thank you, Steve.
OMG! I wish I’d seen this the week before Christmas when I agreed to write something for a start up zine because I’m a dumbass people pleaser. I didn’t end up submitting because the deadlines were too tight over the holidays, but wasted far too much mental effort to eventually reach “no.”
“wasted far too much mental effort to eventually reach “no”. 100% hear you Martina – it’s as much the mental space that the request takes up, as the task itself – glad to hear you eventually declined!!!
A timely reminder to us, thanks for the blog post Steven
Absolutely, Steve! I find it very hard to say No, although lately I have been feeling my lack of time, and the preciousness of every hour I get to spend alone. That has enabled me to decline things I would previously have said Yes to. I’m reading 10X is easier than 2X, which isn’t specifically about saying No, but it’s about raising your sights so you end up discarding 80% of the stuff you’ve been doing, and putting your energy into the 20% that’s actually important, and it soon becomes all you do.
Thanks for your consistent posting about focus and saying No.
Is this a book? 10x?
I didn’t realise I was born to be an artist until late 30s, as my creativity was not appreciated by my practical parents. So I resonate with this post. Life is short. I have learnt to say “no” to frivolous social gathering, parties, becuase I felt most alive when I was creating something.
Thank you Steve.
Thanks Steve, New Year. New Beginnings. Time to leave the old ways behind. And try a new approach – No.
Well… Damn. I understand entirely. I met Michael Jordan twice. Guess what, he doesn’t want to talk to you! He did his job well. In fact, he transcended the game. Let him have dinner in peace. Now that we are on the same page, may I please have you autograph my books on the golf course while you give me layout advice for my photojournalism of the unhoused in Miami. (Crickets.) He saw his Jordan and did what he thought he was supposed to do… he took his shot. Unfortunately, he got swatted clear out of sight. It’s a comedy and a tragedy if you ask me. Such is life. Anyway, let me know when to pick you up to tee off. (The preceding was brought to you by Johnnie Black.)
Hahahaha
I loved the answer of the management of Peter Drucker and I need to get immediately back to work – thank you!🙏🏻
Hahaha! Me too!
Well …….who was the professor? I suspect — Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi?? Do tell!
Great post as always, thank you!
Thank you so much dear Steve.
I can also see the other side of the coin, it troubled me a bit:
When someone, e.g. a seemingly good friend, leaves you (so says the absolute No) to focus only on their wives. And they leave not in a manner that you needed their friendship every day or week and you were needy, but in a manner that you were really heartly friends and you seemed to be not just a stepping stone to their lives to be rejected when they decided to focus somewhere for good. In such relations I lost 3 of the closest friends if I count well, the last one in the present mature age. A relation tried to do that to me also, to separate me from my friends. I broke out like a thunderstorm, I prevailed (unfortunately, I found out that logic is not always enough).
Or when someone underestimates you because you haven’t made enough money according to their standards of you, even if they are relatives. And they say No more and more often in the rare occasions when you can be together and thus keep the lights on, even that small bit.
Or when someone focuses on their dreams and they forget about you at all (say No) in any other way.
So it’s a sword with two edges that No. Like Lawrence it is.
My intuition says this complex thing: that we must seek where to say No only in a mild manner, but focus where to say Yes in a psychic manner: that Yes which is like Home, like we are meant to be there, there where we feel the callings of the beating heart. That callings may be our works of art, but also a bit or more of love to others, a bit or more love to ourselves etc.
Concerning Resistance, here is the “natural ease” that also troubles me -I saw it yesterday from the old mentor of mine: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DEdANo1sh62/?igsh=aG1qc2dmdDJld21s That Natural Ease seems to oppose Resistance, which says that the more important a creation is to our soul, the more repelling force we will feel towards it.
So there is a clash. I don’t know yet. But I saw the 4 years old child typing on the laptop yesterday: he would only push a couple of buttons and playing randomly. So not knowing is not the defeat. Not knowing is the Beginning.
On the other hand, this intuition of mine costs me time from sitting on that chair ONLY for that work. And that surely doesn’t feel good too.
Hi Tolis,
I’m learning about a balanced NO. A balanced NO is standing up for yourself and your time but with compassion for others. With honest communication, it’s possible.
There is a trend of people who run memberships and groups encouraging you to adopt an aura of ‘generosity’ with the idea that what you give to the universe will come back to you.
I have made videos for these groups and effectively coached other members about their art, for free, for years but it is only recently that I have decided that this is dividing my attention and using my limited energy to line the pockets of those people who preach about generosity.
So thank you for the timely blog post – I am happy to be part of the NO gang, but I will continue to be generous with my knowledge, just not for the direct benefit of those others!
Holy crow, that’s spectacular.
I know it in general, as we all sort of do, but those specific answers should light a fire under my tail.
I’ve never been asked for an interview. But I have been asked to stand watch for a photographer who shoots the stars. Depending on your views,it’s not as adventurous as it sounds. It’s cold, boring, and buggy. Most of all, the entire trip is one sided. I finally found the balls to say NO! This year, I made plans for a more balanced adventure in daylight where I can pursue my creative endeavors, too. Thanks, Steve and for also suggesting Terri Cole’s book on boundaries.
As someone who procrastinates by helping other people whenever they ask me, this is just . . . Wow! Except part of me feels that I am so good at it (modest cough) that perhaps it is something I am meant to make time for. But then again yes! It absolutely eats into my own endeavors. Perhaps that other part of me is Resistance!
I will be forever grateful for this post. I have long held in mind the words of Erma Bombeck when a dear friend asked her out to lunch, “No, thank you, I cannot go out to lunch. I am writing my next bestseller.”
No is the new Yes. I could (continue to) write a book about it. 🤔
“Sorry, can’t—too little time left.”
Story of our lives sometimes.
Three years ago a friend asked me to help coauthor a story with him. Like a dummy, I said “yes.” Big mistake. What I thought would be a 3-6 month commitment stretched on for a year. I got even further behind on my own work. He was not happy when I pulled the plug.
Drucker
Rich in business wisdom, much of which runs through life as well. He taught that creativity is only as good as the productivity that executes the innovation born of creativity.
How sad. For all the life changing ideas I’ve learned from interviews of fellow artists. When they are graced with success, time is too short. Boo hoo.
I’m not someone that others want to interview, but with the multitudes of surveys that want to measure whoever’s and whatever’s performance or interests that find their way to my inbox, text, mailbox or online. I’ve mostly stopped. They always take much more time than they say. Plus I either don’t want others to know my thoughts (none of their damn business) or that I don’t want to take my time answering their questions. I’ve just stopped. I don’t need the hassles they usually end up giving me and I have more time to do the things that I want to get to.
Pardon my dissent, please. The examples cited were of established, successful individuals who avoided any attempts at cooperation with others as distractions from their all too valuable lives, consumed by a work ethic that had no time for others. What did these same people do prior to their success? They hoped that others would engage with them for some mutual advantage. It seems that some measure of reasonableness is called for to not dismiss any and all entreaties as negative energy. Not able to endure a lengthy interview? OK. Not willing to partner with someone that involves committing a substantial chunk of your schedule? Of course. But not able to attend a cocktail party because you’d rather be burning the midnight oil? Please. Unwilling to offer a modicum of time for pro bono work? Hmmm.
Generosity, like mercy, is a quality that falls like rain on all, blessing both the giver and the taker.
I’m totally on your side. Being successful is not something that can justify being rude.
More than this: they didn’t ignore the request; if they sere really so busy ad they said they were, they would have just ignored the request.
I’ve been so damn agreeable my entire life, so this is refreshing to hear. I think some of us have been so conditioned to think saying “no” is selfish in a way. I get a lot of personal satisfaction cheering others on and helping likeminded creatives. However, I don’t want to end up left with zero energy for my own work. This balance needs to be addressed. Thank you for the inspiration these past few weeks, Steve!
“He is creative and, because of this, totally overworked.” Special shoutout to Ligeti’s secretary. May we all find that courage to say NO to Resistance.
absolutely
not.
#2wordpoem
No comment.
“Every YES must be defended by a thousand NO’s” – Jeff Walker
When I was starting research for my PhD I had to spend a lot of time finding those who would be willing to help by taking part in my research sturdy. I thank god for those who did.
Oddly it was those in academia who refused and even posted in their group not to ask. I later saw that this did not apply to everyone. Only to relatively unestablished colleagues. Science is an area where academics must help one another. It was very sad to experience this prejudice against the “beginner.”
In terms of friendship there are different standards to creativity interference. I have recently had reconnected with an acquaintance who called me her dear friend and then asked me to send photos of my recent art projects.
This is where intuition comes into play. I could sense that this would become a drain on me. Without resentment or rudeness I agreed that this would be easily done it she set up a social media account where I post regularly. This felt right.
There was no further correspondence from my old acquaintance and this frees me to carry on in my present reality.
Steven, can I assume these were the polite responses that you selected? Lol. I liked Avedon’s answer best and as the years keep adding and I find myself, like yesterday, saying goodbye to a friend my age, that sense of pressure becomes more pronounced. One’s own imminent passing may not be necessary to sharpen the focus when we find enough reminders close to us.
I totally agree with this post but the sad thing is nobody asks me.
But when they do I will be prepared to say no
😀 Wonderful!
LOL. I am totally aware I am not saying o to your invitation to comment. 🥸
At some point, “time management” is more about deciding what we are not going to do, than it is deciding what we will do.
Lots to love here. This goes deep — and points to something more fundamental than simply “efficient time management.” Saying “no” leaves more time to be creative, of course.
But on another level, I’m thinking how “time” and “one’s attention” are valuable commodities. ATTENTION has intrinsic VALUE. And isn’t it funny/odd/weird that social media programmers recognize this value better than we do? They gamify it. They program those psychological treats that result in a blast of dopamine. Tuning their algorithms to keep you coming back. Keeping you engaged, keeping you clicking, keeping you scrolling. Keeping you captured. “Attention” is product and the currency. In the world of social media, that currency translates to dollars. They’re farming our attention. Milking us.
Okay, so “attention has value.” To them, my attention is a monetizable commodity. I, on the other hand, might looking at my attention as “my consciousness, my self-awareness, inhabiting this place in spacetime.” The essence of life force.
So when we say, “NO,” we’re guarding and preserving that irreplaceable resource. Maintaining our agency.
[[It’s not ALWAYS about “saying NO at all costs,” of course. Last week, I drove 1,200 miles over three days to be present for a friend at his dad’s funeral. My agency, my choice.]]
Always appreciate your well thought out comments, Joe.
I do, too, Jackie!
And Joe, I was happy to get to know you a little better when you joined us on the show back when we were still featuring guests. What strikes me about that, years later, was how you reflected on the program and thought of how you might want to do better the next time (even though you were great). It makes me wonder how many so-called talking heads, who “um” and “er” and “so” their way through every interview, have they ever listened to themselves.
To some people being interviewed isn’t taking time away from their work so much as giving them a break from — and a new perspective on — that work. It’s fun. Conversation can be a writing prompt. We’ve probably all had the experience of not knowing what we were thinking until we said it.
And finally, props to the people who suggest you say no with kindness — but, boy is that ever work. As Tim Urban noted only yesterday on X: “If I need something from someone, starting the email with the token ‘hope you’re well’ before getting to my request seems so excruciatingly disingenuous that I usually elect to just be like ‘Hi!’ and then get to it. But then I kind of seem like a dick. Real lose-lose situation.”
It makes me wonder how many so-called talking heads, who “um” and “er” and “so” their way through every interview, have they ever listened to themselves.
HAVE EVER listened to themselves!
Which might make someone wonder if I ever proofread a comment before posting 🤨
Richard Avedon’s comment brought up a memory: In the 70’s, I was as a male model in NYC and Avedon booked me for a Vogue magazine layout. It was an all day event and midway in the shoot, Avedon abruptly stopped and motioned for me to follow him up the stairs to his small office. Inside, he pulled out some pages from a folder; they were tear sheets, sheets that contain smaller photos that photographers use to find the best images. The photos were of Jacob Avedon, his father, who was dying. Stark, a face broken open, staring into the camera with on crtainout any curtain or defense. At the time, I didn’t get why Avedon would share something so deeply personal with a stranger. Years later, I realized that my own father was terminally ill at the same time. Maybe the signpost “Sorry—too little time left”, was the gift Avedon gave to me. .
The Power of saying No – so many of us do not exercise this right. Do not be the ‘creator’ of other people’s dreams, focus on your own. They are plentiful enough to keep you happily occupied.
Ironically, imagine if people said no to Tim Ferris. Wouldn’t be much of a channel, would it?
Guard your time, but the right ‘yes’ these days puts you in front of vast swaths of people for when your brilliance makes its appearance.
Wow! Sure wish I had read, learned, and remembered these wonderful ways to say “no” during my career. Would have saved me so much time stressing, being overworked, and feeling soooo uncomfortable. Thanks for for your writings and others on this difficult and elusive skill.
I just loved this. Thank you Steven.
Oh I’m so disappointed at myself at my inability to say no at times… you need to write book about this!
I’d like to thank Mr. Pressfield for spending some time with Rich Roll on his podcast, which led me to this blog.
from NO there is no place to go but UP