Fear of Success Anonymous
This is going to sound like a joke but it’s absolutely true. I once joined Fear of Success Anonymous, aka FOSA. This was in Los Angeles; almost all the group members were actors or screenwriters. The group got so popular it had to disband.
I remember driving home from the final meeting, thinking, “I’ve gotta solve this issue on my own. Fear of Success by definition can never succeed!”
What keeps you and me from finishing a book, a startup, a screenplay? I think it’s tribal. It’s not our fault. It’s in our DNA.
Consider the cave man, the foot soldier of the primitive hunting band. (This applies to the cave woman too.) Remember, the tribal era constitutes 99.999% of our evolutionary time as human beings. In the tribe, the greatest terror was expulsion. Getting kicked out of the cave was a death sentence.
What crime would get us expelled from the tribe? Standing out. Being different. This makes sense, right? In a world of fearsome predators, the tribe has to stick together. It can’t afford some crazy guy or gal who’d rather paint cave walls than stand all-night guard against saber-tooth tigers.
That terror of expulsion resides in our bones. It doesn’t matter that we now work at Google and live in a third-floor walkup in Williamsburg. We’re still scared to death of standing out, of being the tall stalk that gets lopped off by the workman’s scythe.
Our novel, our startup, our screenplay … what if it’s REALLY GOOD? What if we ourselves actually possess talent? What if we’re Lady Gaga?
OMG! The tribe kicks us out and we get stomped to death by a woolly mammoth!
Sounds ridiculous, I know, but I swear to God that’s the emotion that flashes across our Unconscious as we tee up the .pdf of the Elizabethan family saga we’ve labored on for four years and our finger pauses over the SEND key.
How do we do it? How do we overcome our terror of finishing, how do we beat our Fear of Success?
The answer, again, can be nothing other than Will. Somehow we have to teach ourselves to jam our eyes shut, suck in a deep breath, and jump off the cliff.
DO THE WORK
Steve shows you the predictable Resistance points that every writer hits in a work-in-progress and then shows you how to deal with each one of these sticking points. This book shows you how to keep going with your work.
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A short book about the writing of a first novel: for Steve, The Legend of Bagger Vance. Having failed with three earlier attempts at novels, here's how Steve finally succeeded.
NOBODY WANTS TO READ YOUR SH*T
Steve shares his "lessons learned" from the trenches of the five different writing careers—advertising, screenwriting, fiction, nonfiction, and self-help. This is tradecraft. An MFA in Writing in 197 pages.
TURNING PRO
Amateurs have amateur habits. Pros have pro habits. When we turn pro, we give up the comfortable life but we find our power. Steve answers the question, "How do we overcome Resistance?"
I’ve liked the quote attributed to Ray Bradbury: “Jump off the cliff and build your wings on the way down.”
Before typing that in here, I went to Quote Investigator (great site) to check it out (to avoid the kind of misattribution one sometimes sees, like: “‘Don’t believe everything you read on the internet’ — Abraham Lincoln”). Bradbury was indeed the source, and interestingly related to this morning’s post, his first use of the metaphor also contained mention of a “cave.” According to Quote Investigator:
***
Bradbury used this vivid metaphor to illustrate boldness and audacity several times. In November 1979, he reviewed a book about the National Air and Space Museum in Washington D.C., and he gave very high praise to the book and the museum:
“It looks like a dream book. Then you suddenly remember it’s all real. Then the long march from the rim of the cave to the edge of the cliff where we flung ourselves off and built our wings on the way down quickens to focus. It’s all here, in a building, in a book.”
***
I did another little bit of web-searching on a site that reports on non-profits (https://www.guidestar.org/profile/95-4344010). The entry for on “Fear of Success Anonymous” (based in Encino on Ventura Blvd) noted: “This organization’s exempt status was automatically revoked by the IRS for failure to file a Form 990, 990-EZ, 990-N, or 990-PF for 3 consecutive years.” Kinda like, “My membership in AA was revoked for going into a bar and getting hammered.” Resistance is insidious, ain’t it?
Joe,
Classic. Just as the Fear of Success Anonymous group becomes successful…they self-sabotage! Boy does that sound familiar…
Something that I’ve been trying to recognize is that nearly every morning I wake up, I have forgotten nearly everything I have learned. I’m a hairless ape who is just as likely to poop in my hand and either throw it at someone or eat it…until I can find the humility and agency to live my true life.
Once the crisis is abated, I reflexively return to old patterns of thought/behavior that led to the crisis in the first place. I’m trying to start each day on my knees…even when I don’t think I need it.
bsn
Oh. This. So much. Thank you @Brian Nelson.
“We built our wings on the way down quickens our focus” great push forward as angels tread lightly.
Go for it just chase your dreams.
Sir, you have good knowledge about it.
You are inspiration.
Go after all.
Don’t fear just face it.
Just do what scares you.
I love this post. Fitting in, part of the tribe, never standing out, this was never me. I was a girl who caught snakes and spiders. In my second-grade photo, I stood a foot taller than everyone else. As a teen, I hunted and fished, instead of showing up on the football field as a homecoming candidate. I’m a woman who prefers a hike to a mall. I always dance as if no one is watching. My friends refer to me as a weirdo, but a nice weirdo. You would think that jumping off that cliff would be a piece of cake for me. But no, resistance holds me in her claws, same as everyone else. I am the person painting on the cave walls looking over their shoulder wondering if my work is good enough, but asking at the same time, “why do I care?” Drop the brush. Pick it up. Drop the brush. And back and forth she goes resistant. Steve, thanks for sharing, and for the encouragement to pick up the brush, the pen, etc…
Great post Jackie! I just read your “Roadkill” piece. Lions in Pennsylvania! Too funny! I’m retired, and can relate to your husband. Funny to read it from the wife’s perspective–breaking a vacuum from overuse! I resemble that remark!
bsn
Thanks Brian, glad you enjoyed the piece. It’s why we do what we do.
Printing this out right now!! I needed to read this! I think every public speaking college course should reference this because it is spot on with where our fear of sharing our true selves comes from. Groupthink. Fear of being bullied. I’ve been a shy introvert my entire life. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become a more quiet yet confident introvert, but I cannot change my nervous system. I am not snobby. I am not weird. I am not upset. I don’t have resting bitch face! It’s crazy how these things stick with you even as an adult!! I need lots of time alone to recharge, but it doesn’t mean I don’t need friends. The bullies from grade school seemed like predators to me. Hindsight is 20/20, but deprogramming those negative messages and reframing my experiences has been life changing. This blog is, too. I used to think being a lone wolf was the only way I could get my music done. Now, I believe in finding your own tribe; that’s where it’s at!! Nothing feels better than being understood, Steve–THANK YOU to this community.
I think part of the reason that deprogramming negative messages is so hard is because bullies exist in the adult world as well. They will always be there. Your amygdala is still picking up present day threats as well as inflating the threat from PTSD like responses.
They are real. We want to scapegoat, to have an enemy, to ‘other’ or ‘out’ our enemies. Anyone not wearing a mask is evil. Pandemic of the unvaxed. Horrible Yelp comments from a 45 year old fat guy living in his mother’s basement can panic a food truck owner into changing a menu…
I think it takes both. Harnessing and strengthening our own will AND finding our tribe. There are times we need to be courageous alone, and times to hold hands to confront the world.
Love your work.
bsn
Thank you, Brian! Well said and so true!! Your last paragraph I read 3x in a row. Cheers to a strong will my friends!
Kate, I too am a shy introvert, and it’s frustrating how many people interpret this (as you said, “snobby, weird, upset, resting bitch face”), and being a twin, I was always compared to my more vivacious sister. It’s definitely hard to get that negativity deprogrammed. And I’ve found my tribe as well, and on so many levels, it’s been incredible.
Thank you for sharing that, Yvonne! Some books that have helped me step into a quiet superpower are Susan Cain’s Quiet and Dr. Elaine Aron’s HSP. It’s encouraging me to read that you have found your tribe. I’m working on it 🙂
I’m not afraid!
C’mon success!
“The answer, again, can be nothing other than Will. Somehow we have to teach ourselves to jam our eyes shut, suck in a deep breath, and jump off the cliff.”
The first time I read this, I had a Freudian slip–I misread “suck in a deep breath” as SUCK IT UP, KATE! And my subconscious is right 🙂 I often quote the ‘Maid’ series when her friend refuses to feel sorry for her and says, “GET UP off the floor. I’ve been on that floor. It gets you NOWHERE.” Keep working. Keep trusting. Keep growing fellow creators. <3
Love this.
Fear of success- the fear of standing out and being different from the tribe is indeed primal.
It is also primal for me to need connection, intimacy, and camaraderie with my environment/tribe.
This tension between Standing Out and tribal camaraderie can seem to be at odds at times! I think this is my biggest form of resistance.
Does anyone share this feeling?
I certainly do. I’m a mild asperger type, and thus less inhibited about speaking my mind. But I have learned [as well as someone like me can really learn social skills] that people get offended by those who flaunt tribal ethos. I still do it, sometimes because I’m unaware, other times because I think it’s important. However, I have the same fear of ostracism as any normal person, because it’s happened to me so often. I merely lack the internal restraint that comes naturally to others. This is a serious problem, not only in creative pursuits, but in science as well. All the geniuses we applaud posthumously for their contributions to science or invention were vigorously vilified in their lifetimes for thinking differently. And many of them had to stand up to harsh criticism and personal attacks from their mentors and colleagues, which doesn’t make humanity look good.
Excellent point!
Fear of success also comes from having success and not being emotionally ready for it. It’s PTSD of how it was and not wanting to go back to that place. Boundaries and clarity of my path are what help me.
This is exactly it, Kim! How many heroes have we ordained heroes only to find they couldn’t handle the PTSD of being a hero? That’s the innovator’s dilemma too, stay in the comfortable, smooth track with a sustainable innovation or jump outside the track (x-skiing analogy) and go for the lead, whether to fall down or eventually win. Can we deal with the winning, the falling down, or would we rather conform and play it safe? Here’s to jumping in track!
Many of America’s Medal of Honor winners fall into this category. Like many other heroes, all they wanted to do was return to normal life, but they were dragged out and paraded for what they saw as merely doing their duty to their country. How many times have we heard or read about soldiers who return from war and never want to talk about it again because reliving it for the unwanted approbation of others causes them, not pride, but deep pain.
I had heard your name over the years, Steven. For a reason can’t find, I happened upon War of Art, yesterday, on a plane, on the way to silent retreat in very rural New Mexico. Woke this morning to snow, and the sound of my ears ringing from silence. I am grateful beyond words to have met your thoughts. Yes, the fear of success — the story of my life. Thank you.
Welcome Paul. Come on in, the water is warm.
bsn
This is what Australians call “tall poppy syndrome,” and they’re well aware of it. They tend to be more self-effacing than we are, which is why they’re fun to be around. So perhaps although Americans have become bold and self-confident externally, those tribal inhibitions don’t disappear so quickly…
Maybe one of the beauties of this blog: it’s filled with fellow tribesmen, fellow cliff jumpers. We’re not leaping alone.
This post reminds me of one of my favorite quotes about writing, from Heather Havrilesky:
“This is the beauty and the horror of being a writer — or trying to be anything, really: You can feel important or unimportant. No one cares. No one is watching. You can have fun or you can suffer. No one is grading you. No one is invested. You can proclaim yourself ahead of schedule, or you can spend your whole life telling yourself that you’re running behind. No one is there to measure. You can suspect that you’re insecure and outdated, long-winded and short-sighted, high-strung and lowbrow. Or you can conclude that you’re charismatic, a teensy bit talented, never boring, and reasonably worthy. You have choices. You are the decider. Because the truth is, no one else gives a flying fuck.”
Sam,
That is soooo accurate. I’ve often thought of it at the gym. Some of the most vulnerable places in the world:
1. Naked in locker room in junior high.
2. Will you marry me?
3. Deciding to get into shape and joining a gym.
I was always a runner from the first “Presidential Physical Fitness Test” days in elementary school–in the third grade I outran the entire school. Obviously a gift from God. I did not lift weights for most of my youth/young adult time.
When I finally chose to get stronger, I always felt like I was lifting Q-Tips while everyone else in the gym was heaving 55-gallon drums filled with concrete!
Truth? No one is looking. Everyone is trapped in their own drama, being the lead actor. Now, as I’m one of the regulars at the gym (just last night, I complemented a kid on his mil press (135 overhead), he answers, “I just hope I’m in your shape when I’m your age….” Uh, thank you?”
Since the gym is such a place of vulnerability, I believe is incumbent upon ‘lifers’ to be overly welcoming. Generous and supportive to new members. I think it is the same with all vocations and avocations. Those who have made it, and are not a$$hole bullies, need to be supportive of others.
I guess I’ve just described Writing Wednesdays.
bsn
Love this. We have to stop fighting windmills and trust the force:) Thank you, Steven!
This is very insightful. In Japan there’s a saying, “The nail that stands higher gets pounded down.” In Micronesia there’s a saying, “Whenever someone tries to stand tall, the little people around him (or her) run and knock his feet out from under him.” In Western cultures we’re taught that we’re all free to be social entrepreneurs and rise above the crowd. But that’s not really the way human minds are designed. We’re made to be pack creatures.
I love Wednesday mornings.
Seth Godin made a good point about the fear of success or even an attempt at that. “The reason it’s difficult to learn something new is that it will change you into someone who disagrees with the person you used to be,” he says. “And we’re not organized for that.”
I’d like to believe what Sam says, that other people don’t care. That hasn’t been my experience, though. Perhaps because they have certain roles they expect us to play, and escaping their gravitational pull isn’t one of them!
I love this, Maureen!
Thank you dear Steve! You write: “In a world of fearsome predators, the tribe has to stick together. It can’t afford some crazy guy or gal who’d rather paint cave walls than stand all-night guard against saber-tooth tigers.” My god, it’s so beautiful a phrase.
We are the painters of the tribe’s cave walls, and none of them will honor us for that, unless we achieve great success, meaning that our paintings will somehow move the souls and thus the development of the tribe, but then again the emotions of the tribe may be mixed and possibly dangerous. We are not in the main stream. We are somewhere else. Let’s see if and what we can find, and bring to the people to widen ours and their awareness.
I never figured out 100% what you meant fear of success, now I see: it’s the fear that we don’t do what we are Supposed to do, and that was imprinted in our animalistic dna.
*I also wonder if the tribal law of survival, which excludes and degrades those who do not serve the tribe (or the community) in an obvious way but rather search for their own meanings/paths to bring forth, may apply itself within the writer’s community too. Can a writer dare, be naturally different from the other writers, search for meanings and methods other than the usual/studied/successful? Or is he/she to follow the “winning” path, the mainstream one, that leads to the classic journey of the writing, though using different actors and sceneries than the other writers’? Can we find our own way of writing and creating the works of art, try and change a million times, or do we follow a norm, much like one does when following the tribe? I’m still confused and afraid. I can feel the voice of the tribe: “since you write your way, and not the right way, you shall be destroyed, or rather fail completely, and thus lose all, because you didn’t… chase a steady job instead -what a Fool!! Look at (him) or (her), they flourish in the security of the tribe (following it’s lead) even if they have so many flaws! And you stand alone there, playing with your *weak* self. You never made it until now, you won’t make it in the future. Playing and experimenting instead of working on the existing knowledge -who do you think you are, asking for success when you are moving alone without our lead? Join the writer’s tribe or perish.” It seems to be self vs survival again. I can’t tell, I don’t know. The authentic swing that you wrote gave me some hope on that.
So this might be a little gross and solipsistic (OK, just learned this word and trying to use it in a sentence…), but by reading Steve’s post and many of the comments this morning–I think I might have confronted my own flavor of Resistance/Fear of Success.
I’ll call this the ‘Jack of All Trades’ myth that I’ve been slyly hiding behind. I’ll be a trainer. I’ll be a speaker. I’ll be a non-fiction writer. I’ll be a consultant. I’ll be a… and a … and a …
One of the unintended consequences of being a ‘3 Letter Athlete’, is that you don’t become a master of any particular sport. I just want to play whichever sport is in season. I love them all.
AND it is BORING to shoot free-throws in July when everyone is swimming…or to practice one-touch passes against the garage door over shooting into the net.
Also, once you become a commissioned officer in the military, you change jobs every 12-24 months. Being a solid generalist is preferred to the nano-specific PhD. This equates to a familiarization and competence with the broad to the detriment of the specific.
The above are conditions, and rationalizations as well. The Truth might be much more insidious.
If I flirt around with numerous different projects/identities/lines of effort–then I can (below the surface) justify a lack of traction/success in any particular path.
It is here, on Wednesdays, when I am often confronted with Truth. Often, hell–most of the time, when I am so confronted I angrily lash out to protect my fragile ego. It takes a while for me to be willing to taste, then choke down, and finally digest a Truth I’m fighting to ignore.
Thanks to all here. I think out loud, and frequently do not know what I’m truly thinking or believing until I press ‘submit’ below. I need to post to know what I think…kinda like Pelosi saying we have to pass the bill to know what’s in the bill…
Happy creating to all.
bsn
It’s possible you’re what career coach Barbara Sher calls a Scanner, Brian. Scanners find it impossible to build their lives around a single interest. They’re entrepreneurs, they’re artists, they’re radio talk show hosts. They fix cars by day, play the trumpet at night, and…chip in…as a golf pro on weekends.
Scanners can feel like (as Seth would say!) wandering generalities. I know I do. It’s a dance, isn’t it?
I say no to almost everything so I can concentrate on a few things that matter, and those change depending on the seasons of my life. But in any given moment I’m so focused on one of those few things my husband can startle me almost to death with a quick, “Hey. Did you see this?” I measure the success of a day by how often that happens. 🙂
Your last paragraph illustrates why I do the talk show. My favorite way to learn is in conversation, and I often don’t know what I’m thinking until I say it. It’s scary. And illuminating!
Maureen!!!
Thank you! A Scanner! That is great. Years ago I heard someone describe those with ‘ADD/ADHD’ as hunters while those without were farmers. Also made sense to me. Helpful insight, thank you very much! I can see why a talk show is so energizing!
bsn
Thank you for your thoughts Brian!
My only comment would be a wonder if what we do is defined as Resistance, or if our actions on it will define it as Resistance. Could there be ways to turn our desired generalization to Anti-Resistance, being broad-focus-fighters instead of laser-focus ones? It seems unlikely but I wonder.
Tolis,
This is great food for thought. Thanks.
bsn
“I think out loud, and frequently do not know what I’m truly thinking or believing until I press ‘submit’ below. I need to post to know what I think…”
Thus the importance of writing (journaling or any other kind), methinks. The word processor is misnamed; it should be called a thought processor.
Well said.
bsn
This is fabulous and to add to it – I have no fear of jumping off cliffs and that can be part of the problem. Which cliff is the right one?
Another fantastic post. Thank you, Steve! I think a part of our fear is also fear of the unknown and fear of change. If we succeed, things will change, and even if we knew with certainty that things would change in every great way possible, still, things will be different, and that’s scary. What we know is comfortable, sometimes even if we’re miserable. Change and the unknown are both scary.
As much as I’ve enjoyed this post, I’ve been delighted with the responses!
So, FOSA may have fallen away but there are (fortunately) other 12 Step anonymous fellowships that address these same patterns of thinking, being, approaching and avoiding. They’re global, too, so you can connect and grow with people in your own community or on the other side of the planet. What better way to heal and (slowly) evolve than with others who are both ahead of and behind you on the path? I spoke on a meeting based in Moscow (with a translator) last week. I’m currently in Maine.
And I was a happy, wandering generalist in my last career (until I wasn’t) who took the advice of others ahead of me and went ahead and specialized in something, ffs – in my case, tobacco and nicotine cessation. I call it buttkicking. It’s been fun and of course challenging, too, to stick with it and do a deeper dive in this one thing I’ve now done for 30+ years.
Now the new challenge is to stay that course and to make this work visible so that others can find it. Hot damn. Another venture out of the cave, another chance to look and feel like a terrified, bumbling fool in the process… yay!
As Brian Nelson said in his TEDx, just 1% each day.
Thanks for that reminder.
It was very useful for me, thank you for guiding me. I really liked the content that provided us with information and I wish you continued success.
Thanks for sharing this amazing article.
Thank you, Steven.
I regard something truly special in this site.
Success is said to be just as difficult as failure. Would you rather bear the pain of regret or the pain of discipline?
can’t comment.
Fear of success can cover you not only in general living, but also in your love life. That is what they say. And this will make you feel lonely. This happend, because you haven’t met anybody worthy. But there are many people wanting men so once you visit a good dating site, the whole situation may change in a glance of a moment. You really must pay attention to what a woman can offer emotionally, not only her beauty and looks.
Your article is so perfect. I can’t fault it.
What is that exactly that you can fault this article with? There are people who are successful in dating, and there are those who always want to fault someone. My wife says that you need https://www.careersonline.com.au/what-to-do-if-remote-working-affects-relationships/ that you can read and improve your dating online.
I was an attendee and very involved person of FOSA and I disagree with the blog. I dont go to 12 step programs to be like others…i go to solve my own problems. Success is different in everyones eyes and considering all that Ive faced and done in my life, although i didnt nevessarily get everything I wanted to this point….WHO DOES? Its about living life on lifes terms, moving forward, getting at least some things if not many you want, and growth. THAT HAS BEEN AMAZING to me and Ive gotten SO MUCH in so many ways that I would NEVER have achieved or received in my life has I not dome the work, used the tools, etc in this program. And the maturity and growth Ive had is phenominal.
Ive been able to apply in my life and mentor otjers who had no clue about what Ive learned and I wouldnt have been able to do that without.
I think it’s something deeper. Personally I don’t think people are afraid of success I think they desire it. I think people just don’t BELIEVE they can accomplish anything because most people simply don’t know anyone personally who has ever achieved much or they themselves have never achieved anything. It’s very difficult when you have no proof, that it is right in front of you if you just don’t quit! Most people quit EVERYTHING. I believe everything is a decision. Once you make that decision there’s not much that can stop you if you do not quit and you give it everything you have. Awnings Chicago
I think this would benefit me a lot. Where can i find this?
Doodle Jump has a great community! I love sharing tips and tricks with other players online. It’s always fun to exchange strategies for reaching higher scores. The camaraderie among players makes the experience even more enjoyable, and I appreciate the support from fellow Doodle Jump enthusiasts!