Ego and Self in the All is Lost Moment
Why do we (so often) need an All Is Lost Moment in our own lives to break through to another level? Can’t we just do it at a happy time? Do we have to push ourselves to the absolute abyss in order for real change to sink in?
I hate to say it, but that seems to be true. Certainly it has been in my own life. And for sure it’s true in fiction.
In fact, we might define “wisdom” as the ability to transform oneself to a higher level WITHOUT going through an All Is Lost moment. Have you done this? Neither have I.
I think the reason is that in an Epiphanal Moment, the epicenter of our psyche shifts from the ego to the Self. That’s the definition of an Epiphanal Moment. And the nature of the ego is to hang onto the steering wheel with everything it’s got. You and I (or Life itself) have to pulverize that SOB before it’ll let go.
Here’s another All Is Lost/Ephiphanal Moment—this one from the movie Big Night (1996). Have you seen it? It’s a great one. Starring Stanley Tucci and Tony Shalhoub, with Minnie Driver, Isabella Rossellini, Campbell Scott, Ian Holm, Marc Anthony, and Allison Janney.
Big Night is about two brothers recently emigrated from Italy—Primo (Tony Shalhoub) and Secondo (Stanley Tucci)—whose restaurant in 1950s America is struggling desperately to survive. The problem is that Primo, a genius chef, refuses to compromise his integrity by dumbing down his cuisine … and the mac-and-cheese US palate isn’t ready yet to embrace his lofty standards. The crisis comes on one “big night” when the brothers prepare an all-out feast anticipating the visit of famous bandleader Louis Prima—and Prima fails to show. The whole idea, it turns out, was a ruse by a rival restaurateur to drive Primo and Secondo out of business.
The All Is Lost Moment comes at the end of this desperate night—in a slap-happy brawl on the beach between the two brothers.
PRIMO
(in Italian with subtitles)
I have tried to teach you, Secondo … but you’ve learned nothing! Why do you want to stay here? This place is eating us alive! If I give up my art, it dies. Better I should die.
Primo staggers off with his new girlfriend Allison Janney. The brothers part. They’re broke. They’re too proud to work for anyone else. And any new restaurant they might open is sure to fail as their current one has. The situation is definitely All Is Lost.
Now comes the Epiphanal Moment.
The morning after. Restaurant kitchen. Secondo enters. The mood is bleak. Marc Anthony, the busboy, is asleep on the butcher block table. Secondo gets down a skillet from an overhead rack. Marc Anthony rises, steps to the side. Without a word Secondo prepares an omelet for himself and Marc Anthony. Secondo sits at the butcher block and begins to eat.
Now: Primo enters. Still in his chef’s white jacket from the night before. Primo says nothing, simply stands there. Secondo glances uneasily to his brother. Then he rises, gets a plate down from the shelf, spoons a portion of omelet onto it for his brother and sets the plate down beside his own. He adds a baguette and sits back down. A few more anxious beats pass. Will Primo resume the clash from last night? Has the brawl itself—and the angry words spoken—shattered the bond between them forever?
Primo grabs a chair and carries it over to the butcher block. He sits beside his brother. Primo takes a first bite of the omelet. Secondo takes a bite of his own.
Tentatively, Secondo puts an arm around his brother’s shoulder. He pats Primo’s back. Another bite from Primo. Primo puts his arm around Secondo. No word has been spoken. The brothers continue eating their omelets, side by side.
Sometimes an Epiphanal Moment simply acknowledges What Is Really Important. This acknowledgment doesn’t solve anything in the material world. For Primo and Secondo, their business prospects continue to be beyond bleak. Neither one has any idea how to go forward professionally. But they have both recognized What Really Counts.
They have moved from the ego to the Self.
Here’s the scene on YouTube.
And the fight on the beach.
Big Night was directed by Stanley Tucci and Campbell Scott from a script by Tucci and Joseph Tropiano. It’s a good one!
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Need to be clear about the difference between ego and self. Any thoughts ?
I think of ego as this little knot of conscious and subconscious thoughts/memories/desires, which constitute what I identify as “Joe.” Self is that wider, transpersonal awareness — the one that observes the adventures and travails of “Joe,” unperturbed by whatever happens. I think of how Sam Harris might describe the Self as not so much “aware OF consciousness” as it is “aware AS consciousness.”
Hi Dennis,
This is only my opinion.
Ego needs to be right and acts righteous, shows contempt and is contemptuous, needs praise and pats on the back, but never gives back in any way unless there’s a personal gain. Ego pretends to be better than it truly is.
The self wants no part of any of that.
So true!
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Man, I love both of those clips. Brotherly love. Them tussling on the beach, you can tell that however mad, frustrated, or all-is-lost they feel, they don’t want to hurt each other. And the breakfast scene… no dialog, no music. Just quiet and deliberate in painting an epiphany in motion.
Detangling the ego from the self seems to be a lifelong practice.
Thanks for reminding us what counts.
Thank you. I’ve been trying too hard to force my crisis – turning point – to be relevant to the subject at hand. This was needed: my crisis does not have to solve any problem – just describe the journey from ego to Self. – thank you.
Truly a great example. Thank You for another outstanding analysis and the movie recommendation. It’s appreciated.
Love these clips, the power of feelings during the fight and the resolution without a word. Brilliant.
Favorite scene in one of my favorite movies. Point taken!
Excellent post. This experience happened in my life. I won’t say “I” experienced it. I was in a bottom of the barrel situation. When I (ego self) ran out of possibilities, the All is List Moment was followed by an All is Not Lost monent. It was simultaneously the emptiest and also the eye of the hurricane. Profound insights followed that changed my life forever. This cannot be understood, only experienced. And it happens on its own. When there is no more left to try, the answer appears
Excellent post. This experience happened in my life. I won’t say “I” experienced it. I was in a bottom of the barrel situation. When I (ego self) ran out of possibilities, the All is List Moment was followed by an All is Not Lost monent. It was simultaneously the emptiest and also the eye of the hurricane. Profound insights followed that changed my life forever. This cannot be understood, only experienced. And it happens on its own. When there is no more left to try, the answer appears
Oof – I’ve just experienced the epiphanal moment. Well, for me, “moment” isn’t accurate. The epiphany unfolded last fall as I let go of my agency clients. I’d run a marketing agency for 25 years with my husband and in the last couple of years we’d reached our peak earning powers. And yet… every day the pressure to make someone else’s dreams come true, to save them sometimes from themselves had drained both of us. The money, the over-identifying with the career that did the opposite of sparking joy is the ego. The ego hangs on to what kills us.
One by one, we let it go and it felt good. I read the War of Art and realized I was adjacent to my dreams not working on realizing them. I expected the true release from stress and pressure to be temporary. I expected by this time in 2023 to be stressed for new reasons. But I do not feel that way. I am at the bottom of the mountain but I am energized and by God I show up like a Pro every day. At 55 I might have 40 years ahead of me. That’s more than enough time to embrace the epiphany, focus on what’s important and get my Act 2 off the ground.
Love this. Want to free myself from advertising and marketing also–35 years of doing the work for others is enough–it’s truly time to do it for me. (Hope my client doesn’t read this reply–see I haven’t let go totally yet!) But will.
I wish you well, Gerry. Just being able to recognize resistance in all its shapes and forms has been huge. for us. These days I literally can’t wait to wake up and get in the office. I’m building on my skill set but applying it to my own creative venture! You’ll appreciate this: no more watered down ideas in decision-by-committee.
Kelly… “The ego hangs on to what kills us.” Good one.
This is so good, the connection between the protagonist’s All is Lost to the transition from ego (focus on body, external esteem, pleasure, pain) to Self (focus on system as a whole including oneself, the other, the world). This gave me added insight to a story I’m working on. Thanks!!
I’m still thinking about your analysis of ‘Thelma and Louise’ and how the All is Lost moment occurs at the end of the movie. I’ve always placed that beat somewhere mid to late Act 3 when outlining (or yes, Foolscapping!) an idea. But you’re right, it can really occur anywhere. I recently saw the terrific (and devastating) ‘Aftersun’ (Best Actor nomination for Paul Mescal this year) and I think the moment happens at the end of that one, too.
I vividly recall seeing ‘Big Night’ in the theater and when the omelet scene came up thinking, “you can do that? Have a no-dialogue scene where a guy makes eggs in real time?” It was one of many 90’s movies of the Sundance era that changed the way I thought about screenplays and storytelling in general.
Thank you very much dear Steve,
I also received your book together with Mo and the other gifts. I loved its smell. They are all so beautiful, so grounded and inspiring. It will be a book to remember.
I will focus on this phrase: “In fact, we might define “wisdom” as the ability to transform oneself to a higher level WITHOUT going through an All Is Lost moment. Have you done this? Neither have I.” Only yesterday, trying to find some balance again, I remembered this one more time: that we are full of wisdom. We almost know it all! We read it all, we followed the great people, we tried to comprehend all paths of life. We had the time. But still there we are, failing every day. I wondered why: Why do we keep on failing although we are so well guided in this modern world (and thus needing an All is lost moment)? My best answer is this: because we fail to use that exact wisdom that we have. It is a disaster, a tragedy to have wisdom inside but be fools. And it’s not like we know everything -but today we know so much more about psychology, philosophy, self empowerment etc. Our mentors are here with us through their works and advice.
What’s wrong I think, is that we just forget. We forget to use our Wisdom. Just because of our minds wandering.
And I thought of a way to never forget. It could to treat wisdom like a religion. Like the core of our lives. Nothing supernatural here -just decide that we will have it as the core of our conscious everyday momentum.
It is so easy. What’s the problem? It’s so easy not to do.
There is no perfect human wisdom of course, but I thought that there are layers of it that can be so powerful: we can know what we know and what we don’t, and also see every certain circumstance through many different layers of view and weave it all together in a powerful result.
I wish that all people use their wisdom. If not, the Muse will strike us hard!
To me, the omelet scene is a Camus’ “Myth of Sisyphus” moment–the brothers go back down to the bottom of the hill to roll the stone, their dreams and burdens, back up the hill, knowing full well that it may never work out. It may also be the most delicious omelet moment ever in cinema.
Thanks Steve for picking one of the cinema’s great scenes–yes an epiphanic moment without a word spoken, without on-the-nose dialogue that blares “author’s message”. Trust the action, trust the emotion built throughout the film, trust the actors, the characters–the theme doesn’t have to be said to be there explicitly.
It is a great example of a director trusting his work and respecting the intelligence of his audience.
Even if the audience walks out asking “What was that about?” That’s the exact right question. And the answer is there for all to see and feel.
Many emails come through, yet these Wednesday @SP ones I read. Why? Because of the true notes they always hit….right on key! The power of the Allislost moment in our own lives is unheralded by any other effort from the ego – – in it’s power to usher in a revolution in our lives. When we change everyone benefits. Easy? He** no, but thanks to mentors like @SP we can embark. With all the uncertainty and incredible grace, to be honest, that rises up – – a new kind of creator-ship indeed emerges. Thanks many times over for your contribution and from all those here.
I want to share a poem that embodies my Allislost moment – or era more apt -. It wasn’t until that admission that I was able to see or access any other options.
Lost
Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.
— David Wagoner
(1999)
Nice poem about understanding one’s place in the natural world.
After my life imploded in my early thirties I was hell-bent on a new career in radio. I interned at the Minnesota News Network in St. Paul and had a shot at going from intern to anchor. Not to be. I got that news when I was working a newspaper shift taking classified ads, but instead of taking calls I sat at my terminal and cried. That’s when a manager in the lounge where I worked as a cocktail waitress asked me to come in after my newspaper shift. Why not? So in between those two no-brainer jobs I suddenly needed more than ever, I drove to the Sun Ray shopping center and ceremoniously threw away all the MNN souvenirs I’d been collecting: the directory of state legislators, a big black-and-white press pass, an MNN bumper sticker, whatever. I cried all the way. When I got back to my apartment to change into my bar uniform I kept crying, though I did that into a towel to keep the neighbors from hearing.
I sat in the car in front of my apartment after my waitressing shift and cried some more. “I have no idea what this means,” I thought. “I have no idea what to do next.”
But of course I knew. I just didn’t want to do it. I’d be leaving the Twin Cities soon, to get that all-important experience at a small station somewhere.
After I let go of the ego trip it was easy to embrace what my Self most wanted, to work in radio. Even if that meant taking vows of poverty and moving to Nowhere, Minnesota, in the coldest swirl on the weather map.
You inspire me, Maureen. So glad to have *met* you here!!
Dittos, you both.
“Sometimes an Epiphanal Moment simply acknowledges What Is Really Important.”
AMEN!! I recently had this moment with my 14-year old daughter Steve. I was so stressed about my music and how I was going to manage it all and be a present mother without compromising quality music. I f*cking love how these Writing Wednesdays make me feel understood. I stand tall and proud today for making a choice of integrity. I will eat my omelette without worrying what comes next with music…in the moment…I am still a singer-songwriter whether I do it to pay the bills or not. THAT is my ego talking–needing the title. I wish I could hug you.
Have a beautiful week, all.
You inspire me, too, Kate!
I once interviewed John Tesh, who told me he “isn’t that busy” despite being a musician and family man and wildly successful radio host. How was that possible? Because he said no to everything else.
Warren Buffett, if memory serves, suggests people jot down all the things they want to accomplish. Then he has them cross out everything except the top ten and then the top five. Then the top four. I think he stopped at three!
You can probably have it all, but not all at once. And in transitions? As a friend put it: “One newborn in the house at a time.”
I learned two important life lessons from my daughter. Bear with the stories, please. My daughter Sam had to wear a brace on her leg for some years. It wasn’t easy finding two different sized shoes, one to fit the brace and one for the other foot, in the same color and style(pre- internet shopping). Sam looked at me and said, “Why do the shoes have to match Mama?” Why indeed did we have to follow society’s shoe rules or any rules not on the books if it didn’t work for us?
The second most valuable lesson happened when after being diagnosed with Type I diabetes I attempted to give her the first insulin shot. I swabbed her thigh, jabbed the needle into her skin, and pulled the needle out without pushing the syringe to inject the insulin. I was upset that I failed her. Sam looked at me calmly and said, ” It’s okay Mama. You can try again.” God I love that kid.
We all the the ability to make a lot of our own rules and to try as many times as it takes. Good week all.
Jackie,
Thank you so much for this message!! I actually opened up to my daughter just recently now that she is 14. I told her that I am struggling because I lost gram (she was my mother figure) this past August and I am not close to my mother because of a lot of emotional abuse, neglect, and ongoing denial of it which makes it hard to be close. I told my daughter that I am close with my mom when we talk about baseball or home decor, but I’ve never had a confidant or trustworthy parent in my life. I was so moved by her empathy. I didn’t want to parentify her, but I also wanted her to understand why I am so afraid of making mistakes. Radical honesty and truth is opening new pathways for me–ones I used to be so scared to take because of a fear of rejection. I suppose I never learned that people who truly care about you will continue to care even if you make mistakes. I’ve been walking on eggshells over 30 years. It’s nice to learn this…never too late!!
Have a lovely week, Jackie!
The wisdom here is exquisite. I thank you for sharing!!
I now know my top 3. Daughter. Music. Education. The others are crossed out!!!!
I love John Tesh. Going to listen today <3!!
Ha! He leaves a piece of egg in the pan because he is expecting his brother’s return. 🙂
This is a brilliant scene and reminds me very much of a Miyazaki movie. He calls these types of scenes “ma” which means silence in Japanese. It is a moment where the audience can breathe and and the same time, tension can grow.
Here is a clip explaining this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YWxUTvaJ0E
It’s worth contrasting the two scenes.
“ma” …… Very interesting, C.M., thanks for this.
Great post, and Great film! Thank you. Another perfect film on ‘food’ and ‘Art’ is “Babette’s Feast”, based on the short story by Isak Dinesen. A Must See film for all Creatives, on being an Artist – complete with All is Lost/Epiphanal moments.
On ego and Self, – Life’s continual challenge seems to be to Not live solely from the ego/the mind, usually the
monkey mind. Those moments of shifting to the Self, allow us to live from the Soul. That’s when magic happens,
in Art, and in Life.
Hope everyone has a wonderful week!
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oh dear Steve, yet another masterclass! indeed when that epiphany hits, it benefits my inner peace more than anything else. to the outside world, I might still be the same old doomed soul, but inside I know I’ve won the battle, and now what follows is that gruesome journey toward the right direction, guided by the self.
Love this Steven Thank You… universal as are all of your posts, that’s the point, I get it 🙂 It IS possible to transition and transmute without bruises and implosions. Once you hand over your trust to your SELF, consciously / intentionally done of course… you can recognize more easily where you’re at in the cycle and that it’s time to JUMP – using forethought rather than hindsight to say “Oh, I see, I was moving UP that’s why everything went to hell in a handbasket just before that… ” lol
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Loving the blog, as always. May I take a 360 leap here?
How do readers feel about the sweet, sweet, story of Lloyd Richards who shot from the most soul-eating kind of Writer’s Hell (No one has any interest in the work) and is now a best-selling author on Amazon? It can be done! If you can just live long enough!
The story makes my day. I do have the same two issues, the first being that I can’t write a word about anyone but my own narrow group without thinking I will be accused of “Cultural Appropriation” and cancelled, and the second being that every agent’s “Requirement” page asks if I have a “substantial presence online and a large group of followers on social media. I do not. Two jobs. no time. Any thought on this understandable new expectation from agents? I’d have to hire someone to do this for me…
One of my ALL time favorite movies. This scene is so simple, but powerful. The beats…impeccable. The juxtaposition of life in America with its 1950’s capitalism (the American dream) versus staying true to your passion, roots and family – very relevant to current affairs.
I know I’m off-topic but I feel like a terrier with a bone. The earlier comment about “having to hire someone to begin blasting social media accounts into the great beyond” was mostly a joke. but alas, when I checked out of curiosity, I see that it is indeed a boom industry. For a lot of money I can indeed hire someone to make professional videos and create cute chatter about the manuscript on a regular basis and post them on TikTok and the like. I see how this could work for established authors, but not much chance any unknowns will be followed.
Agents are buried in queries I doubt they have time to read. After the success of “Stone maidens” TT will be inundated with even more book videos.
Any thoughts here, group? What does make my heart sing is that even after Richards attained the Holy grail, he actually got (!) an agent and still could not sell any books. But he kept writing, never gave up. Maybe that is the real takeaway. Thanks for listening. He made it through his own “All is lost” moment like a frigging champion. good man.
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