Sabotage and Self-Sabotage
One thing you learn though, if you’re a writer, is that nobody gives a damn. My friend Jake will ask me, “How’s the book going?” and it’s all over his face that he couldn’t give less of a shit. If anything, he’s hoping I’ll fail. When I report any setback, I can see him fighting to keep from grinning.
My uncle Charlie’s the same, even though he loves me like a son. “Still writing those books?” he’ll ask, in the same tone he’d use to say, “Still squeegee-ing windshields at the entrance to the Midtown Tunnel?”
from “The Knowledge” (2016)
Self-sabotage, as we all know, is a real thing. It’s called Resistance.
But there’s such a thing as sabotage by others.
We might think that those closest to us—our parents, our spouse, our best buds and BFFs—would be proud of us for embarking on our artistic journeys and rooting us on to succeed. But more often than not, the opposite is true.
Our friends will slip subtle digs at us. They’ll ridicule or make fun of our work. They’ll minimize it. Refer to it as a “hobby.” Or they’ll warn us “for our own good” not to become too invested emotionally in the creative dream we’re pursuing.
When I first really committed wholeheartedly to writing fiction, a person very close to me remarked (to me and to other friends), “Steve escapes into typing.”
It’s not that these friends and family members are bad people. What’s happening is they are dealing (unconsciously) with their own Resistance. Deep inside, they know that they have an artistic dream—and they know they’re doing nothing to pursue it. When they see you and me sitting down at our desks or heading into the studio day after day, the act becomes a reproach to them. They think, “If Janie can do it, why can’t I?”
So they sabotage us… or try to.
The writer and director David O. Russell has made this a theme of his movies. Have you seen “The Fighter,” starring Mark Wahlberg? Or “Silver Linings Playbook” with Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence? Or “Joy,” starring Jennifer Lawrence?
They’re all about families sabotaging the one member who steps out of the comfort of mediocrity and takes action to live out their dream.
Be careful when you venture out of the shadows. Not everyone will turn out to be your friend.
DO THE WORK
Steve shows you the predictable Resistance points that every writer hits in a work-in-progress and then shows you how to deal with each one of these sticking points. This book shows you how to keep going with your work.
THE AUTHENTIC SWING
A short book about the writing of a first novel: for Steve, The Legend of Bagger Vance. Having failed with three earlier attempts at novels, here's how Steve finally succeeded.
NOBODY WANTS TO READ YOUR SH*T
Steve shares his "lessons learned" from the trenches of the five different writing careers—advertising, screenwriting, fiction, nonfiction, and self-help. This is tradecraft. An MFA in Writing in 197 pages.
TURNING PRO
Amateurs have amateur habits. Pros have pro habits. When we turn pro, we give up the comfortable life but we find our power. Steve answers the question, "How do we overcome Resistance?"
As always–excellent and honest.
Nailed it once again Steven. Thank you for articulating that with such accuracy.
Steven,
A wonderful post. I have experienced how you describe this, may times in my life. What I take from it right here, right now, is another level of “acceptance”… that what you describe is, in many cases, the way of the world. It affirms some thoughts & experiences I have had, responses I have received, and adds yet another layer of resolve to ‘own what I do’ for my reasons. To know what I am ‘meant to do’ and what is ‘my calling’…what is ‘my purpose’ is a blessing. If it scrapes on others, to the point of this sabotage you speak of, then maybe it’s even confirmation I am on the right track.
Keep being great. Keep being you.
Kind Regards,
Evan
1 zillion per cent TRUE.
YES !! I received all the same comments especially during the years I worked nights in strip clubs in order to pay Art School tuition living expenses and take care of my child. Forty years later I am a fulltime self supporting visual artist and STILL hear “when am I gojng to get a real job?”
Very, very true Steve. In my case, my ex-wife advised me to settle for playing in a bar every once in a while and stop pursuing my grand artistic plans. It didn’t come from a bad place though, and I guess she saw me struggling with my artistic ideals in a less than perfect environment, so to say. And especially when we get older (i’m over 50 :), the tendency of the environment is to get the artistic ginny back in the bottle and put the corch on firmly…
In a way I think, we’ll need this feedback. Whether we label it sabotage, I’m not sure I would do that. But people not taking your artistic aspirations as an enterprise worth to be undertaken does sometimes provide the contrast needed to ascertain if these aspirations are made up of mere fantasies, or if they really are seeds for future manifestation. Imho, the first step of pursuing every artistic career starts with acknowledging that the journey is really worth it. And the person who needs to do that, is always the same: the artist himself.
True indeed. And even – specially for some – if they find you’re nudging them into releasing their own sh*t. Better to keep somethings just for us – and some of those people at a safety distance.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another excellent article! Spot on!
I love reading your blogs. Writing Wednesdays are a highlight of my week!
God bless you, Steven Pressfield!
Nicely said! Thank you for the reminder today of this.
I’m writing my first novel and I’m talking of my experience with very few people: my husband my bf and my brother. 3 people I trust, I’m lucky. I can’t and I dont’ want share my experience with my parents and other friends or colleagues, and that’s good. I don’t use social network and I don’t need people appreciations anymore. Thank you Steven you’ve been a source of ispiration and you really helped me to start my artist journey. Maria from Italy
Ooooof, this was a shot. Direct, simple truth. And something more — we who pursue art must also give the same space to those we love, so we’re not inadvertently sabotaging them. My brother published a book, and yes I was proud of him, but also jealous (didn’t want to admit it, but I felt a bit like Chevy Chase in Funny Farm when he beat me to the punch). Your post today hit me both ways. Let us never sabotage others. Success everywhere lifts humanity.
Painfully true!
Very sad and very true. Humanity is not a bowl of cherries.
To be CONSCIOUS ( which some writers
aim for) is a GREAT BATTLE, with first oneself, and thrn others.
To feel one can do something well or even
GREAT is something one must allow to live in one’s heart, expecting NOTHING from others
but with permission to feel some gratitide and delight when you cross paths with those who
honestly SEE you and encourage you. These
are the brave souls and are not threatened by excellence.
I wish this wasn’t true, but it is.
Great post. I never thought to look from the opposite view that one’s sabotage of another might be wrapped up in their own unfilled dreams. Thanks again,Steve. Wishing all a productive week.
Soooooo God! As writer I feel every sentence that you wrote in my deep heart. I follow all your work, I admire the way you put things into the table. Since the day I read La Guerra del arte (the war of art in Spanish ) I recommended it to every person who is struggling with resistance. Thank you Steven for being such a juman being .
I love how you nail it every time. Your next book needs to be a book about the power and risks of being a truth teller! Because you are.
Ah, you are 100% right dear Steve.
Guess where I’m now: I am at a hill, hidden from some of those “very close to me” persons, while they think I am somewhere else working. And yes, I am working, but not on what they think -but on what I believe. Green and brown hillsides surrounds me with the songs of many birds, and a calm lake is about 200 feet far from here. It is a beautiful and free refuge.
I must.
“This shit is a hobby, don’t tell me anything (meaning: you are an idler)”
“Does it make you money? No? Well then, away from me.”
“You will go and find a work (from those who CAN’T EVEN SEE what I’m creating here all these years –the blind watchers)”
“You must work. It is your duty as a man.”
Ah, the birds and the trees and the air protect me. The ants underneath my wooden seat munch on the walnuts and the fig, the same foods I keep here for me. We strive endlessly.
I work hard but I am not a slave-worker. I am a self-worker.
Kate’s songs, your creations, everything that we bring to the world is by the soul.
We must get powerful on our own work or get slaves’ seats that we will even enjoy.
I am ready to face all their attacks. I faced even the strongest one, the “real work”. I am one more step ahead, I paid with blood.
<3 likewise with your creations, Tolis! Have a lovely new month dear friend!
I wish you a great fight Kate, Joe, all! Thank you for always bringing light. And when it will be November Rain out there, I wanna be out there writing in the car or in the woods.
A Kate call-out! I’m aligned. 🙂
“Be careful when you venture out of the shadows. Not everyone will turn out to be your friend.”
THANK YOU, Steve!!!!
That quote resonated with me too, Kate! Onward!
High five, Julie!!
Too many friends only add to the resistance, Kate. Better art comes from shedding “friends” who think they understand what you’re creating and advise against it.
An arrow straight through the centre of my heart! Boy, so true it hurts beyond words (pardon the pun) but us writers, artists do suffer the Resistance to move forward with our goals, even when we believe in ourselves, our purpose and our intentions for writing in the first place. We are born to be writers, artists otherwise we wouldn’t be able to do it. However, I have, like so many others, suffered this Self Sabotage from all my family, knocked back, disbelieved, made to feel I will never amount to anything, called names, accused of having an overactive imagination and thus, I literally Self Sabotaged myself by not doing the work. One gets fed up with being run down, criticised, ostracised, rejected, laughed at, and even prevented from telling my story, literally, especially when its from family, but I keep on writing but it makes it harder to concentrate and find a publisher to help me to become published, get my book out there for all to see. I too could feel the green eyed monster and a bit of anger even, was appearing, when someone directly related to me, stole my ideas, used my wisdom and are well on their way to becoming published. Secret is, tell no one until our own work is done. Believe in yourself, your gifts, they were given to us for a reason, then when we achieve our goals, Self Sabotaging will no longer be in our vocabulary from anyone, least of all, ourselves. If we believe in ourselves, the forces within drive us on, will never leave us alone, its all we think about, then we are meant to do it, in all its artistic forms and wo betide those who stand in our way for we are the strongest for never giving up or giving them reason to sabotage our dreams but also our beings. If they dont support us, and I certainly do not have any, then they dont belong in our lives because they are sabotaging their lives, themselves, their own jealousy that they cant do it, and it rubs off on us. Sadly, it means losing some people from our lives to succeed and im afraid that includes our nearest and dearest sometimes but writing is and always has been my goal, my purpose. One day, I will achieve my goal, I will find a publisher, I am alone in my journey in finding the path and the people to help me on the road to becoming published which gives the Self Saboteurs more reason to sabotage my life’s mission and purpose and create Resistance and Self Sabotage in myself. Writing can be a lonely world but it’s worth it if we can do it and believe in ourselves. Good luck to everyone fighting this demon called Self Sabotage wherever and in whomever it resides. Never give way to it as hard as it is to fight. Writers, Artists are Empaths. We give in to others, we feel their negative sabotaging ways but never let it take up residence within ourselves. Thats what they want and Resistance is futile. It can never stop us writing when we are born to write and have stories to tell. Believe in yourselves.
Does anyone know what the quote at the beginning of this article is from? It says “The Knowledge” (2016). Is that a short story? A film? I can’t seem to find it by googling. Any help?
It is Steven’s own work. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/33023854-the-knowledge
It’s a book by me, Erica. You can find it on Amazon.
It’s good!
I concur, doctor.
I appreciate this post very much, unfortunately it’s so true. To this I would add that they think we’re making fools of ourselves and them, that we’re embarrassing. And in our intensely capitalist world, the whole idea of working so hard and long on spec is unthinkable, a sin. But once we’re able to scrape together some social proof, a review, a prize or publication deal, suddenly those same people knew us when.
It is so true, but perhaps that same force causes us to look further within for that spark and not other’s approval? This could be a good tool for originality. Just wondering out loud…
Dear Steven,
Thank you for this difficult truth.
Last week I retired from the day job I’d held for a number of years. I’ve pursued different careers all over the world with the main goal of being able to write what I want to write and support myself doing so. Writing is what I’m most passionate about and it terrifies me more than anything in the world. Fear of failure and playing small has plagued me forever. I’ve been too scared to hurl myself into it entirely and instead chose to be safe on the sidelines as an editorial assistant, a copy editor, freelancer etc. Basically, I’ve used my skills to pore over and polish the writing of others while occasionally slipping in my own pieces. Enough of that. Friends, former colleagues and relatives have asked me what I’ll do with all the free time now that I’ve ditched the day job. When I tell them I’m writing my own stories, invariably their reactions have a ‘bless your heart’ tone of condescension and once again I regret having shared that information. They are more supportive of me saying I’m getting another dog (last dog I owned passed away a few years ago). I know how I sabotage myself, and as you’ve pointed out, familiar ways I also allow others to sabotage me with their subtle and not so subtle digs. Thank you for the mentoring you’ve provided ever since I picked up Art of War years ago. Your timely post today is a gift through you from the universe or a higher power and has made my day brighter. Onward!
Yes, indeed. What’s interesting is that they love you when it works out.
All we can do is stay the course.
Hi mister Pressfield, thank you so much for this contribution.
I m working on my first two books – the first one , finished for one year but which needs everything getting changed and the second one which needs its first reading-correcting – And I m struggeling with such a resistance these days !
My loving spouse’s behavior seems exactly the way you ve just described, but now, I m understanding , I have to overcome this Alone. The muse is watching me 😊…
A quote I have posted on the wall of the pool where I coach swimming (also in my office where I am 226 pages into a book I am writing)
“The closer you get to excellence in your life, the more friends you will lose.
People love you when you’re average because it makes them comfortable.
But when you pursue greatness it makes people uncomfortable.
Be prepared to lose some people on your journey.”
– Tony A. Gaskins, Jr.
My favorite version of this came from my mother: “writing is something you do in RETIREMENT.”
Then my first book came out and it flipped: “when is your next book coming out? What’s taking so long?!”
Moms.
Also, as some have pointed out above, don’t tell anyone what you’re doing until you’ve finished it. It really helps.
Ah, Sam, this makes me chuckle. I got to the point where I could quit my day job and write and paint fulltime. My siblings comment on my “retirement” and how I have all this free time. (Which they think I should fill by caregiving alone so they can shirk any responsibility for our aging parents.) One sister did give me a nice card and gift. Wonder if I’ll get another when I truly retire? Ha! Ha!
Good comments, Sam.
Thank’s Steven for another great article. It is as if the Universe needed to remind me to keep going in pursuit of my artistic dreams, because the sabotage from those that are close to me seems to be constant. I got one of those comments just last night. Another time I was told,”you have greater chance of getting hit by lightning than being published.” Also reading the other comments on this page, made me see that this is quite common, family and friends seem to want to hold us back. I understand why, but it still does not make it easy to deal with. I have learned to just hide my writing and not discuss it with those who are close to me.
Thank you! Another helpful post. Really appreciate it.
I guess I’m very fortunate in that my friends, family, and editors have always been supportive of me. I, on the other hand, am my own worst enemy when I allow Resistance to distract me from what I most need to do. It’s been a struggle since COVID shut down my markets, a number of which never resumed publishing. This has left me feeling like a stranger in a strange land, like back in the ’70s before the features editor of a Gannett daily invited me to freelance for him. It’s so hard to get the first olive out of the jar after all these years.
Diane,
I’m with you. My family is totally supportive, I’m the toad in the road.
I have experienced much of the crabs in crab-pot throughout my first professional life (military). Most senior officers and NCOs are allergic to change/innovation unless it is mandated by the Pentagon.
COVID, and the continued shocks to my previous sense of ‘normal’ in the world are jarring at best, debilitating at times.
Keep up the fight!
bsn
Once again, thank you for your generous post Steven. As Winter creeps in, these dimmer mornings can feel heavier and more challenging to tackle, so your post was, as it often is, a welcome, gentle nod. A “Yes, I know….and here we go”. Anon, anon….
I’m thinking about this tendency of the herd wanting to keep all its cows together (“Don’t EVEN think you’re a buffalo, okay? Stick with us. The farmer will be along shortly to feed us”).
Jonathan Livingston Seagull was subject to the “regression to the mean” that the flock tried to impose on him.
Another example: when a person tries to stop drinking, clean up their act. There WILL be “friends” who’ll support you by saying, “Sober? Aww, c’mon. Just one drink. You can handle it, can’t you?” Worrying who they’ll drink with if you stop.
Appreciate seeing all your thoughts up there.
What happened with the Steve escapes into typing person?
Just because a naysayer says something doesn’t necessarily mean it isn’t true! lol 😀 Escape isn’t ALWAYS avoidance of the fearsome. Sometimes it’s avoidance of the fear-people. 🙂
Long ago, when I was first trying to improve my station in life, a good friend at the time accused me of running away. That stopped me in my tracks for a minute, and then I realized: Well, I am trying to run towards a better future, away from all of this, which would include people like you. So from your viewpoint, yes, I am running away. Thank you for clarifying the point.
Whoops, I meant to add “apparently” before “would include”.
She actually became an artist herself … a painter—and a damn good one.
How very interesting. She was blocked herself. What a surprise.
Thank you.
100% True!!
My birth family was definitely of the cut-off-the-feet-to-fit-the-bed sort (except my oldest sister who was my salvation). I’m in my 60s now and finally know that I’m talented, and I don’t need the approval of others to tell me so. It was a long road getting here, but I don’t regret it. And I’m finally assertive enough to say, “Ouch” when someone says something hurtful. That often results in a good discussion that sometimes helps the other person, and sometimes just identifies them as someone not worth talking to yet. I’ll give them more time.
I only made the conscious decision to ‘turn pro’ 6 months ago, AFTER having won awards for a short story and my self-published novel, and being paid to write a recurring column for a popular law enforcement website. But I’m far from being immune to either kind of sabotage. HOWEVER, I have lived with an artist—my wife—for over 30 years who is immune. She regularly sells her work and has gained dozens of ribbons and awards over the decades. She is at the easel rain or shine, flu or healthy…she simply doesn’t allow anything to stop her. She’s her own worst critique, but in the good way, the necessary way. I’ve been extremely lucky to have her as a friend, mentor and most importantly, an example of being bullet-proof to any kind of sabotage; hers won or anyone else’s. Before I ever encountered Mr. P’s work, she’d say “No one cares, but I I don’t need them to. I do this for myself!” Just yesterday I was feeling down over a setback in my writing, being told by my editor she was discontinuing my column after a year due to lack of interest. My wife let me sulk for less than a day. Then she looked me straight in the eye and said “It sucks. Now go finish your screenplay!” Yoda, Mickey, Mr. Miyagi —or even Mr. P— ain’t got nothing on her!
*critic
You *are* lucky. Every creative needs someone like that close by.
I experienced the same sabotage behavior at corporate, oddly, when our job was to innovate. If I had $1for every time I heard “but, we’ve never done it that way before”. They infamously call it “the innovator’s dilemma”, but it’s something more. Resistance, for sure. And it confounds innovation teams too.
Thanks, Steven, for being my/our resistance coach.
So, so true. My brothers have yet to see a single film I’ve made and , when they WERE speaking to me, used to ask, repeatedly, when I was going to get a REAL job. I knew, even then, that it was only because they were envious that I have the courage to go after my dreams.
Wow. That’s deep. Good post. 🙂
Oh so true. And oh how we internalize that sabotage because it comes from people who “love” us and often have our backs in many ways. A tangled web. Enemies are easier. You know they’re out to get you. But, mothers, fathers, siblings, BFF’s ? They must be at least a little right in n their assessments of our talents and passions. Even I if our guts tell they’re dead wrong, our inner critics says “See, told you you suck” I’ve always admired artists who just don’t give a shit what anybody else thinks. That’s a blessing.
I just did a concert with my friend, a great jazz vocalist and pianist. She’s made a living as an artist for the last twenty years. No waiting tables, office work, just playing, singing and teaching voice . I’ve always been awe of her talent, focus and passion. Her mother recently said to her “Well. I guess at this point you’re never going to make it”. She told me this story with such pain. I was just shocked because she’s a great success story in my book. The pursuit of art will break your heart, but thank god, goddess we as artists keeping putting our hearts out there. The tragedy is when we shut them down and climb into the cave and let our music die in us. Soldier on folks.
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