An Ask Too Far
We said earlier that the playing field for the artist or entrepreneur is not level. Obstacles, often in the form of people seeking their own ends at your expense, are everywhere.
Can you defend your time to work?
Can you teach yourself to say no?
There are people out there who are what I call social sociopaths. They’re not actual murderers or criminals but, for whatever reasons of character or upbringing, they are utterly without empathy. They have no sense of the value of another person’s time or hard-won skill or painfully-earned reputation.
If you’ve got something and they can use it, they want it. They want it now. They want it free. And they want it again and again.
Three days ago I got an e-mail from a guy asking me for thirty free copies of The War of Art. There’s another person who, because of a colleague-in-common, I’ve said a courteous no to more than once. He doesn’t stop. Each ask is followed by another ask. The most recent was an ask to read his book. “It won’t be a problem,” he assured me. “It’ll only take three hours.”
Three hours?
When you respond to an ask from one of these sociopaths, don’t expect gratitude. Instead the initial ask is succeeded by a follow-up ask, and if you’re dumb enough to respond to that, a third ask will appear hot on its heels. Another guy contacted me out of the blue; I did a long interview for him, wrote a foreword for his book and turned him on to my agent. Finally he started asking for favors for his friends.
This was an ask too far. When I said no, he wrote back: “I always knew you were a Hollywood asshole.”
Dude! I don’t live anywhere near Hollywood.
DO THE WORK
Steve shows you the predictable Resistance points that every writer hits in a work-in-progress and then shows you how to deal with each one of these sticking points. This book shows you how to keep going with your work.
THE AUTHENTIC SWING
A short book about the writing of a first novel: for Steve, The Legend of Bagger Vance. Having failed with three earlier attempts at novels, here's how Steve finally succeeded.
NOBODY WANTS TO READ YOUR SH*T
Steve shares his "lessons learned" from the trenches of the five different writing careers—advertising, screenwriting, fiction, nonfiction, and self-help. This is tradecraft. An MFA in Writing in 197 pages.
TURNING PRO
Amateurs have amateur habits. Pros have pro habits. When we turn pro, we give up the comfortable life but we find our power. Steve answers the question, "How do we overcome Resistance?"
Steven, How funny that this post arrived just as I was planning to ask you to have a Merry Christmas!
hahaha!
Haha, I too was just about to email “Uncle Steve” and wish him a Merry Christmas! Maybe comments will help the algorithm.
Love you dearly, Uncle Steve! It’s been a wild year but I hope you and Diana have a phenomenal holiday season.
And yes, some people are social black holes. The Bible warns us against this with “do not cast your pearls to swine.” Be judicious with your time; it’s the one commodity you don’t get back. You remain one of my favorite people. I thank the Lord all the time for you, in many ways.
Merry Christmas and happy New Year, my friend!
—Jonathan Goss
The Gosslings
Ha ha! Steve you made me laugh aloud. Thank you. It’s Xmas morning which is never terribly interesting for someone living alone, to put it neutrally. It’s just another day for me, with work and household tasks. In fact I’m sick to death of people asking “Are you ready for Xmas?”
After visiting my elderly dad I will later sit down and push the project forward another three inches.
And on those blood suckers, the most threatening are perhaps the well meaning ones, whose requests seem on their face easy to fulfill. But you gotta be zero tolerant. This year I casually invited visitors to stay overnight on three occasions. They trampled on my boundaries, disrespected me and I lost momentum on projects. It was helpful in the sense that I crystallised on the decision “No more fucking guests in my home.” I have since refused several guests asking to stay overnight (so they could apparently do a 5km ‘park run’ nearby the next morning – they are trying to collect every letter in the alphabet. You couldn’t make this shit up), good pals though, and they all agreeably accepted my refusal, though with surprise. Saying ‘No’ with clarity is a skill we can practice. I refused to bow to pressure re this year’s work Xmas party. Fuk’m! And every time someone knocks on my door to importune me for a donation I welcome it, because it’s an opportunity to refuse firmly but politely. To notch up one more vote for protecting the scarce resource of my time.
Your post, Steve, coincides with something from your buddy Mark Manson, who put in his last newsletter something like “If you concerned about setting a boundary with someone, that’s a sign you need the boundary.”
Best wishes everyone.
Peter
“To notch up one more vote for protecting the scarce resource of my time.”
Love this – adopting it and will take tender care of it Thank you
😅😂😂Thank you Steve and have a wonderful Christmas and Chanukka
Steve,
You told me to do something about my hero: Mickey Marcus- first general of the IDF- Aluf Marcus. Well, the book has been written by a friend of mine: Steven Ossad.
I think it’s got the elements of a good movie. So now we are going for ‘that.’ Possible collaboration with an Israeli film company. Thanks for being there. No favors. Just being an example for so many is more than enough.
Ben
Hahaha! Brilliant post!!!
I highly enjoyed reading it and have a huge grin on my face.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who experiences this. Thanks for the confirmation, Steve!
Exactly, a big fat NO and strong boundaries is the only answer!
Your post is exactly what I needed to read today after several such annoying experiences with vampires.
Until recently, I gave everything away for free on my blog and in my newsletter. Of course, that wasn’t enough for certain people. They had the nerve and the audacity to request an exclusive edition of my book, for free of course, plus half an hour of coaching with me every day for free, etc. — “Sorry, what?!?”
Not with me, devil!
It’s exactly as you write it, Steve; for these people, there is no “no,” they are insatiable, always wanting more and more, greedy as vultures, bottomless pits, …, hahaha. LOL.
You made my day, Steve! Thank you!
I wish you a wonderful holiday season from the bottom of my heart!
Love & Blessings
Malaika
Dear Steve, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Wednesday! Many thanks for your work and the sharing of your thoughts and ideas.
Much love brother.
Steven, I appreciate you so much. Yes, with these asks, judiciousness is key. My aim in life is to be helpful; to be a blessing, not a curse; to pay it forward always; to pass on what others have freely passed to me. But I must be aware of the graspers, who will always want more. Thank you, as always, for all you do and are. When I despair, when resistance assails me, I read your words, and I am restored to my path. Thank you, sir. Many Blessings to you.
Thank you.
Generosity of spirit is not a sign of dysfunction – just under appreciated
“My aim in life is to be helpful; to be a blessing, not a curse; to pay it forward always; to pass on what others have freely passed to me. But I must be aware of the graspers, who will always want more. “
So I practice discernment and when it slips I take some Vit D by standing in the early morning light and reminding myself “Generosity and compassion are not failings – they just are t respected by all. Be discerning” and then the day goes well
Steven, could I ask you a favor please? It won’t be a problem; it’ll only take a minute…
Could you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year? 😉
(P.S. in my line of work–financial advice–you learn to say ‘no’ early or you die slowly and painfully, like Hobbits but actually left on the spit to burn and roast alive. And one of my favorite quotes, “‘No.’ is a complete sentence.”
I LOVED your comments today, thank you! And don’t forget my favor.
Merry Christmas.
-Justin
, “‘No.’ is a complete sentence.” – sometimes it’s more than that.
A complete chapter.
A complete book.
A complete encounter.
Done and dusted
Please, Steve,dearest, would you, while you are answering all those other requests
HAVE A MERRY SET OF HOLIDAYS ( Christmas, Hanukka, Kwanzaa, Valentine’s..) ?
Thanks in advance for your enjoyment of the aforementioned holidays. 🌲🎄🎉🥂🎁💝,,,
Thanks for this– the best gift I could receive. Merry Happy Everything.
This shit is rampant in the music biz. “play our event, it’ll be great exposure”. Appreciate all you do, sir.
-Non Hollywood Asshole
Thank you Mr. Pressfield for this. I often think about not doing a “clueless request” after reading about it from you in the Daily Pressfield… which by the way, is an incredibly powerful, inspiring and transformative resource for which I’m hugely grateful.
Steven, thank you for your work in all its forms. I am forever grateful for the gift of your time in book and blog.
Blessings and strength
My understanding is that “Hollywood assholes” are most often bleached and puckered.
You, on the other hand, present yourself as ruddy, sun-blessed, and well-toned. So I call bullshit on the arguments of the aforementioned ingrate.
Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas to you and Diana and your families, Steve!
“No” is a complete sentence.
Thanks for the reminder and story. I have a work peer who likes to ask me favors and then reward me by offering to let me attend her trainings… uh, no.
Wishing you and those you love a warm and joyous holiday season and new year.
It never ceases to amaze me the unmitigated gall of some people. I’ve had the opposite where someone really wanted to read my novella and when I finally sent it to him I never heard a word back …. never read it. Brings to mind the expression – “Don’t be yourself, be someone a little nicer than yourself.”
As givers, we have to set limits, because the takers have none!
Great reminder post Steven!
Wow, can I relate and go off on this subject. But I won’t waste your time.
I’ll leave this instead.
Well here comes Christmas! That astonishing thing that no ‘commercialism’ can defile- unless we let it.- J.R.R.Tolkien
And don’t let your boundaries be breached!
Thank you, Steve.
Merry, Happy Everything to all!
Amen Steven! Happy Holidays!!!
Omigoodness! Steve, I have known folks like this! Always coming up to you with a big smile and then the ask. And sometimes they volunteer you for stuff, too. After awhile, they are easy to see and avoid. What really is something is when they ask to borrow something of yours and then you find out that they aren’t using it and then you further find out – they gave it away… to the Thrift Store!! It was yours… you were only letting them borrow it cause they temporarily needed it. UUUGGHH! Oh well, stuff of earth… I have better things to think on… big lovely thoughts… Have a wonderful Holiday season! For me, it will be Christmas and a beautiful New Year full of hope and promise.
You can ask me favors all day long. Except for simonizing your car.
Boundaries and assertiveness can be learned.
Merry Christmas everyone. Our savior came into the world and lives still.
“Three days ago I got an e-mail from a guy asking me for thirty free copies of The War of Art.”
It’s Christmas, for Christ’s Sake. Send him 30 free lumps of coal.
Ho Ho Ho!!!
Best comment!
AMEN ! Thank you Steve for a great Christmas present. It’s taken me 88 years to learn. (But I think Nancy Scimione forgot to put a period after her powerful “No.”
Ed Lovern
What would a Leonidas say to someone who had blatantly crossed the boundaries of his personal space and abused his goodwill? He wouldn’t say anything, just impale the ingrate on a sarissa.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Steve and thanks for the all the advice.
All the Best in 2025.
Good read,Mr Pressfield. I guess the monkeys 🐒 just keep doing their thing. Bad monkeys! 🐒
Anyway…
Merry Christmas ❄️ Happy Solstice ❄️Happy All Faiths ❄️ Happy Wednesday ❄️ Happy Continual Enlightenment.❄️ Happy Boundaries ❄️ Happiness to Anyone or Anything Forgotten ❄️
🕊️PEACE🕊️
From time to time I click on all the links of contributors to your blog. Darn interesting people! I feel so blessed!
🍃🌸🍃
My most effective response to date to unsolicited requests and to my pet hate “ I’d like to pick your brain.. “
after using No – full stop and it not securing the response I was hoping for I invented
“ sure and in exchange what I’d like from you is XYZ”
And I’d continue with alerting them as to how they could go first and deliver so as to secure my attention to reciprocating their request,
It’s been delightfully peaceful and I’m able to get on with collaborations I DO want to be busy with
Thanks for a great post
Live that you listed on Wednesday because it’s Wednesday even if for many it’s also Christmas. Good priority sense indeed
Exatamente isso é o que acontece por aqui. Deve ser assim em todo o planeta. Infelizmente, são mentes que abusam dos outros, e acham isso normal. Egos muito, muito doentios.
Aqui, no Brasil, nós do teatro, costumamos citar um grande atriz dos anos 1950, já falecida, Cacilda Becker, que anunciava na bilheteria do teatro: “não me peça para dar a única coisa que tenho para vender.”
Feliz Ano Novo e Chag Chanucá Sameach!
Rock on, Steve!
Jajaja! Si fuera un sociopata te diría que vinieras a comer una ración de jamón serrano a Madrid. (Se come mejor que en Hollywood).
Steve,
Social Sociopaths is a good one.
I called them Benevolent Energy Vampires. They’re not actively malevolent (there are those out there too and the social sociopath is most likely one), but they continually try to take your time away from you.
And time is all the artist has.
Keep on keeping on.
York