An Ask Too Far
We said earlier that the playing field for the artist or entrepreneur is not level. Obstacles, often in the form of people seeking their own ends at your expense, are everywhere.
Can you defend your time to work?
Can you teach yourself to say no?
There are people out there who are what I call social sociopaths. They’re not actual murderers or criminals but, for whatever reasons of character or upbringing, they are utterly without empathy. They have no sense of the value of another person’s time or hard-won skill or painfully-earned reputation.
If you’ve got something and they can use it, they want it. They want it now. They want it free. And they want it again and again.
Three days ago I got an e-mail from a guy asking me for thirty free copies of The War of Art. There’s another person who, because of a colleague-in-common, I’ve said a courteous no to more than once. He doesn’t stop. Each ask is followed by another ask. The most recent was an ask to read his book. “It won’t be a problem,” he assured me. “It’ll only take three hours.”
Three hours?
When you respond to an ask from one of these sociopaths, don’t expect gratitude. Instead the initial ask is succeeded by a follow-up ask, and if you’re dumb enough to respond to that, a third ask will appear hot on its heels. Another guy contacted me out of the blue; I did a long interview for him, wrote a foreword for his book and turned him on to my agent. Finally he started asking for favors for his friends.
This was an ask too far. When I said no, he wrote back: “I always knew you were a Hollywood asshole.”
Dude! I don’t live anywhere near Hollywood.
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Steven, How funny that this post arrived just as I was planning to ask you to have a Merry Christmas!
hahaha!
Haha, I too was just about to email “Uncle Steve” and wish him a Merry Christmas! Maybe comments will help the algorithm.
Love you dearly, Uncle Steve! It’s been a wild year but I hope you and Diana have a phenomenal holiday season.
And yes, some people are social black holes. The Bible warns us against this with “do not cast your pearls to swine.” Be judicious with your time; it’s the one commodity you don’t get back. You remain one of my favorite people. I thank the Lord all the time for you, in many ways.
Merry Christmas and happy New Year, my friend!
—Jonathan Goss
The Gosslings
Ha ha! Steve you made me laugh aloud. Thank you. It’s Xmas morning which is never terribly interesting for someone living alone, to put it neutrally. It’s just another day for me, with work and household tasks. In fact I’m sick to death of people asking “Are you ready for Xmas?”
After visiting my elderly dad I will later sit down and push the project forward another three inches.
And on those blood suckers, the most threatening are perhaps the well meaning ones, whose requests seem on their face easy to fulfill. But you gotta be zero tolerant. This year I casually invited visitors to stay overnight on three occasions. They trampled on my boundaries, disrespected me and I lost momentum on projects. It was helpful in the sense that I crystallised on the decision “No more fucking guests in my home.” I have since refused several guests asking to stay overnight (so they could apparently do a 5km ‘park run’ nearby the next morning – they are trying to collect every letter in the alphabet. You couldn’t make this shit up), good pals though, and they all agreeably accepted my refusal, though with surprise. Saying ‘No’ with clarity is a skill we can practice. I refused to bow to pressure re this year’s work Xmas party. Fuk’m! And every time someone knocks on my door to importune me for a donation I welcome it, because it’s an opportunity to refuse firmly but politely. To notch up one more vote for protecting the scarce resource of my time.
Your post, Steve, coincides with something from your buddy Mark Manson, who put in his last newsletter something like “If you concerned about setting a boundary with someone, that’s a sign you need the boundary.”
Best wishes everyone.
Peter
“To notch up one more vote for protecting the scarce resource of my time.”
Love this – adopting it and will take tender care of it Thank you
I really needed to read your last paragraph today, Peter! Thank you so much to the commenters and Steve. A Wednesday shot of inspiration.
😅😂😂Thank you Steve and have a wonderful Christmas and Chanukka
Steve,
You told me to do something about my hero: Mickey Marcus- first general of the IDF- Aluf Marcus. Well, the book has been written by a friend of mine: Steven Ossad.
I think it’s got the elements of a good movie. So now we are going for ‘that.’ Possible collaboration with an Israeli film company. Thanks for being there. No favors. Just being an example for so many is more than enough.
Ben
Hahaha! Brilliant post!!!
I highly enjoyed reading it and have a huge grin on my face.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who experiences this. Thanks for the confirmation, Steve!
Exactly, a big fat NO and strong boundaries is the only answer!
Your post is exactly what I needed to read today after several such annoying experiences with vampires.
Until recently, I gave everything away for free on my blog and in my newsletter. Of course, that wasn’t enough for certain people. They had the nerve and the audacity to request an exclusive edition of my book, for free of course, plus half an hour of coaching with me every day for free, etc. — “Sorry, what?!?”
Not with me, devil!
It’s exactly as you write it, Steve; for these people, there is no “no,” they are insatiable, always wanting more and more, greedy as vultures, bottomless pits, …, hahaha. LOL.
You made my day, Steve! Thank you!
I wish you a wonderful holiday season from the bottom of my heart!
Love & Blessings
Malaika
Dear Steve, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Wednesday! Many thanks for your work and the sharing of your thoughts and ideas.
Much love brother.
Steven, I appreciate you so much. Yes, with these asks, judiciousness is key. My aim in life is to be helpful; to be a blessing, not a curse; to pay it forward always; to pass on what others have freely passed to me. But I must be aware of the graspers, who will always want more. Thank you, as always, for all you do and are. When I despair, when resistance assails me, I read your words, and I am restored to my path. Thank you, sir. Many Blessings to you.
Thank you.
Generosity of spirit is not a sign of dysfunction – just under appreciated
“My aim in life is to be helpful; to be a blessing, not a curse; to pay it forward always; to pass on what others have freely passed to me. But I must be aware of the graspers, who will always want more. “
So I practice discernment and when it slips I take some Vit D by standing in the early morning light and reminding myself “Generosity and compassion are not failings – they just are t respected by all. Be discerning” and then the day goes well
Steven, could I ask you a favor please? It won’t be a problem; it’ll only take a minute…
Could you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year? 😉
(P.S. in my line of work–financial advice–you learn to say ‘no’ early or you die slowly and painfully, like Hobbits but actually left on the spit to burn and roast alive. And one of my favorite quotes, “‘No.’ is a complete sentence.”
I LOVED your comments today, thank you! And don’t forget my favor.
Merry Christmas.
-Justin
, “‘No.’ is a complete sentence.” – sometimes it’s more than that.
A complete chapter.
A complete book.
A complete encounter.
Done and dusted
Please, Steve,dearest, would you, while you are answering all those other requests
HAVE A MERRY SET OF HOLIDAYS ( Christmas, Hanukka, Kwanzaa, Valentine’s..) ?
Thanks in advance for your enjoyment of the aforementioned holidays. 🌲🎄🎉🥂🎁💝,,,
Thanks for this– the best gift I could receive. Merry Happy Everything.
This shit is rampant in the music biz. “play our event, it’ll be great exposure”. Appreciate all you do, sir.
-Non Hollywood Asshole
Thank you Mr. Pressfield for this. I often think about not doing a “clueless request” after reading about it from you in the Daily Pressfield… which by the way, is an incredibly powerful, inspiring and transformative resource for which I’m hugely grateful.
Steven, thank you for your work in all its forms. I am forever grateful for the gift of your time in book and blog.
Blessings and strength
My understanding is that “Hollywood assholes” are most often bleached and puckered.
You, on the other hand, present yourself as ruddy, sun-blessed, and well-toned. So I call bullshit on the arguments of the aforementioned ingrate.
Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas to you and Diana and your families, Steve!
“No” is a complete sentence.
Thanks for the reminder and story. I have a work peer who likes to ask me favors and then reward me by offering to let me attend her trainings… uh, no.
Wishing you and those you love a warm and joyous holiday season and new year.
It never ceases to amaze me the unmitigated gall of some people. I’ve had the opposite where someone really wanted to read my novella and when I finally sent it to him I never heard a word back …. never read it. Brings to mind the expression – “Don’t be yourself, be someone a little nicer than yourself.”
As givers, we have to set limits, because the takers have none!
Great reminder post Steven!
Wow, can I relate and go off on this subject. But I won’t waste your time.
I’ll leave this instead.
Well here comes Christmas! That astonishing thing that no ‘commercialism’ can defile- unless we let it.- J.R.R.Tolkien
And don’t let your boundaries be breached!
Thank you, Steve.
Merry, Happy Everything to all!
Amen Steven! Happy Holidays!!!
Omigoodness! Steve, I have known folks like this! Always coming up to you with a big smile and then the ask. And sometimes they volunteer you for stuff, too. After awhile, they are easy to see and avoid. What really is something is when they ask to borrow something of yours and then you find out that they aren’t using it and then you further find out – they gave it away… to the Thrift Store!! It was yours… you were only letting them borrow it cause they temporarily needed it. UUUGGHH! Oh well, stuff of earth… I have better things to think on… big lovely thoughts… Have a wonderful Holiday season! For me, it will be Christmas and a beautiful New Year full of hope and promise.
You can ask me favors all day long. Except for simonizing your car.
Boundaries and assertiveness can be learned.
Merry Christmas everyone. Our savior came into the world and lives still.
“Three days ago I got an e-mail from a guy asking me for thirty free copies of The War of Art.”
It’s Christmas, for Christ’s Sake. Send him 30 free lumps of coal.
Ho Ho Ho!!!
Best comment!
AMEN ! Thank you Steve for a great Christmas present. It’s taken me 88 years to learn. (But I think Nancy Scimione forgot to put a period after her powerful “No.”
Ed Lovern
What would a Leonidas say to someone who had blatantly crossed the boundaries of his personal space and abused his goodwill? He wouldn’t say anything, just impale the ingrate on a sarissa.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Steve and thanks for the all the advice.
All the Best in 2025.
Good read,Mr Pressfield. I guess the monkeys 🐒 just keep doing their thing. Bad monkeys! 🐒
Anyway…
Merry Christmas ❄️ Happy Solstice ❄️Happy All Faiths ❄️ Happy Wednesday ❄️ Happy Continual Enlightenment.❄️ Happy Boundaries ❄️ Happiness to Anyone or Anything Forgotten ❄️
🕊️PEACE🕊️
From time to time I click on all the links of contributors to your blog. Darn interesting people! I feel so blessed!
🍃🌸🍃
My most effective response to date to unsolicited requests and to my pet hate “ I’d like to pick your brain.. “
after using No – full stop and it not securing the response I was hoping for I invented
“ sure and in exchange what I’d like from you is XYZ”
And I’d continue with alerting them as to how they could go first and deliver so as to secure my attention to reciprocating their request,
It’s been delightfully peaceful and I’m able to get on with collaborations I DO want to be busy with
Thanks for a great post
Live that you listed on Wednesday because it’s Wednesday even if for many it’s also Christmas. Good priority sense indeed
Exatamente isso é o que acontece por aqui. Deve ser assim em todo o planeta. Infelizmente, são mentes que abusam dos outros, e acham isso normal. Egos muito, muito doentios.
Aqui, no Brasil, nós do teatro, costumamos citar um grande atriz dos anos 1950, já falecida, Cacilda Becker, que anunciava na bilheteria do teatro: “não me peça para dar a única coisa que tenho para vender.”
Feliz Ano Novo e Chag Chanucá Sameach!
Rock on, Steve!
Jajaja! Si fuera un sociopata te diría que vinieras a comer una ración de jamón serrano a Madrid. (Se come mejor que en Hollywood).
Steve,
Social Sociopaths is a good one.
I called them Benevolent Energy Vampires. They’re not actively malevolent (there are those out there too and the social sociopath is most likely one), but they continually try to take your time away from you.
And time is all the artist has.
Keep on keeping on.
York
People like that certainly do brighten up a room.
By leaving it, that is!
Merry Christmas everyone.🎄
Merry Christmas Mr. Pressfield. My first reaction was, oh good, it’s not just me. Hard to believe someone would bother you with such nonsense requests. As always you handled like a pro. Thanks for sharing this interaction with everyone. I have been getting better and better at saying no, and not reacting or reading many comments that I get, either on my books, or Podcast episodes.
Haha, thank you Steve for this reminder about boundaries and the value of our time. Thanks so much for keeping it real and also for keeping your sense of humor! Merry Christmas to you and yours.
Thank you so much dear Steve.
The key phrase I recognize is, ‘don’t expect gratitude’. It touches my heart.
It’s as if some people are not able to open up to others, but are still able to listen to their internal (probably uncontrolled) voices. I think that’s it: internal forces, uncontollable, so strong that they can’t translate the world objectively but only through their fears or cares. Not because they don’t want to communicate with others, but because their automated system of working life is a kind of unable-to-change egoistical subjectivity.
Even good people can do so. A friend of mine from school -I love him as much as my family because he was there and he was kind when we were at school, and I found him again after years in fb- is harmed by this situation. The last year or so that he got separated to his girlfriend, he suddenly stopped answering all my calls. I call him once or twice every month and he almost never answers although we are both at mature levels in life. I can understand his change of situation, but that’s too much. Still my love for our friendship can’t fade, but there’s no such love connecting us with other people we share less in common, so we can’t keep on caring for them if they harm us somehow.
I am sorry for those people, but you said a long time ago the crucial point. If we escape together from a prison and they get stuck somewhere, we have 2 choices: we either run away (towards our dreams) or we stick with them and watch in despair as our dreams fly away and away in the distant horizon. We must run even to keep them at the same distance, let alone to bring them closer!
P.S. 5th movie seen: Gone with the Wind. Oh what a film. I couldn’t recognize its value younger. But now? Yes.
P.S. Sent you a book that could be of value. But they missed the address and Ireturned it, will send it again. It’s a little of the dark side that’s why I don’t suggest it here, but I recognize in it some small crystal diamonds of thought on winning. You’ll see.
Happy holidays to you and Diana, and all the loving people here! I wish you all the best year ever. And exactly after that, I push you to go for the results.
The results, the results.
P.S. 3 Thank you for saying i IG “start before you are ready”: it gave me another chance. I am unstoppable. Failing and unstoppable, lets see who wins.
WOW Steve. Sounds like that last dude you describe never heard of gratitude – can’t believe he responded with such mindless hostility after you shared your agent with him, did an interview AND wrote a foreword for his book!
You are beyond generous to all your readers – we are lucky to receive the fruits of your labor + learning in all the wonderful ways you choose to share them.
Thanks, and a Happy Chanukah to you and all your beloveds.
I call them “ask-holes.”
I do think that there’s no harm in asking sometimes, but you have to be prepared for a “no.” Many people would never dream of asking for anything, and therefore don’t ever stick their necks out.
I get a lot of people who ask me for my time because they want to know how to get started in voiceover. I send them to an article on my website now. My time is too precious to lecture about the basics over and over. Especially to folks who’ve done NO work of their own and will probably never put in the work to do anything with the information I give them.
At the same time, I’m more than willing to help people who show that they’re serious.
Meanwhile, a voiceover friend of mine found out that I had studied under a well-known author/scholar on folk and fairy tales (a long time ago), and she asked if I would introduce her. That actually worked out QUITE well. His feedback on her short stories was incredible. I felt great that I was able to help make that introduction.
Hey friends – greetings from across the pond. So enjoyed reading all of this. Learning how to say No can be liberating, live changing even and this year I’m grateful to have learned about the value of boundaries. Yet, most of all, through reading this week’s post, I realise just how much work I have done to protect my workspace.
On Psychopaths, I can recommend the book ‘Snakes in Suits’ . Happy holidays.
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On the other hand, my in-laws operate on the theory that “if you don’t ask, you don’t get”. It’s surprising to me that they “get” as much as they do. My philosophy in personal and professional matters, is that I respect other people’s time, energy, and accomplishments so, I don’t ask.
One solution that I have tried, for people who don’t appreciate the time that I have spent, or am being asked to spend, is this:
“I might be able to help you. My hourly rate is $500.” Or whatever rate you choose. Don’t hesitate to inflate.
Or: “In fact, it took me more than 100 hours to put this presentation together. But I’ll give you a break and charge my hourly rate of $500.00 for only 100 hours, totaling $50,000.”
Or: “No. I’m not comfortable with that.
Or: ”No.”
These unappreciative graspers have not even considered that my time is valuable. It usually sets them back on their heels.
Ha! This is awesome. I’ve been working on my people-pleaser tendencies–learning to be HONEST with myself and others. Thanks for sharing this Saying NO practice.
Happy New Year!
Some people have no boundaries. Next…ask ’em to kiss you’re ass
Your dedication and effort are nothing short of amazing! The way you pour yourself into everything you do inspires everyone around you.
Keep being awesome—you’ve got this!
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It took a painfully long time to avoid these sociopaths. They always want a hand out and will drain you dry of your time and resources. Conversely, sincere people will repay your time with money or appreciation.
Steve, your insights on setting boundaries are incredibly resonant, especially in a world where time is our most precious resource. The concept of “social sociopaths” is both humorous and sobering, highlighting the importance of protecting our creative energy. Your experiences remind us that saying no isn’t just necessary; it’s empowering. Thank you for sharing such a candid reflection—it’s a valuable reminder to prioritize our time and worth
Steve, your discussion on knowing when to say no is so relevant, especially for those of us navigating complex systems like land management. It’s a reminder that clear boundaries help maintain focus and efficiency. For anyone interested in seeing how streamlined processes can transform land record management, check out our platform for Bhoomi Online Login. Your insights highlight the balance between dedication and self-preservation, which is essential in both personal and professional spheres. Thanks for sharing this thoughtful piece
Great insights, Steve! Setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining focus, especially in fields like land management. For those interested, check out our platform for Bhoomi Online Login to see how streamlined processes can make a difference. Thanks for the thoughtful post!
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